Hal correctly positioned in his bed. This was a demo for a new caregiver, so he’s not in pajamas. He can move his left hand and foot; that’s all.
And almost asleep.
Grasping can wash over me in so many ways, and I’m suddenly drowning in the energy; contracted and weary. Many nights I work late here at my desk once Hal is in bed, caregiver is gone, and the house is finally and blessedly quiet. I finish up what’s on my desk, meditate and write. In summer I’ll sit on my deck after midnight, or even in my hot tub, enjoying moon and stars shining through the spruces. In winter I’ll sit by my fire (or again in the hot tub, snowflakes drifting down!) It’s a relaxed and peaceful time for me and if I’m not watchful, it can stretch until 2AM.
Then I hope to sleep until 8 or even until 9, when Hal’s caregiver arrives to get him up. But for unknown reasons, some mornings Hal awakens early. I cannot physically get him up myself, but can sit with him, talk, read to him, have long conversations with Hal replying with his thumbs up/thumbs down way, to let me know his feelings. We do have some deep conversations that way.
Occasionally he buzzes me (he has a button on a cord, and I have a vibrating disk under my pillow and a strobe light) as early as 5AM. That early, it’s usually because he is in pain, cold, or needs his position changed. Remember he is paralyzed and can do nothing for himself. Can you imagine not to be able to pull up a blanket, or to roll over and change your sleeping position, not to be able to plump or shift your pillow! His left hand can grab the buzzer; that’s it! He usually falls asleep holding it. Our new collie, Willow, will learn to alert me when Hal needs me, as old-collie Banner did until 6 months ago
When it’s predawn, I come in and ask: are you in pain? Cold/hot? Need your position changed? We get it worked out and he usually goes back to sleep. I sit up another half hour to be sure he’s really asleep; I truly dislike just falling back to sleep and immediately being awakened again!
Sometimes, like yesterday morning at 5AM, after 3 hours sleep I respond to the buzzer and ask- “in pain, cold, need position changed?”… Hal: no, no, no.. Grasping; I want to go back to sleep! So, impatience speaks…, “what do you need?” knowing he can’t tell me.
Finally, I might ask, “Do you need a hug?” Yes! So I lean over him and get that sweet hug (his left arm can move, remember) , a small smile on his lips, and he goes back to sleep… But not Saturday morning. We went from 5 to 9 when the caregiver came, no pain, not cold… nothing I could do for him, but every half hour the disk began to vibrate…”I need you; I need you,”.
Grasping: I want to sleep; workshop starts at noon….
What is grasping? The dharma gives us this: it may arise with an object touched by awareness, either very pleasant/ liking/ grasping, or object, unpleasant, disliking/ aversion, which is another form of grasping.
What helps?
After 3 tries at going back to sleep, being promptly reawakened, I saw I had to attend to the grasping. He said he didn’t need anything and did fall back to sleep, for 15 minutes….Aware of strong grasping and aversion, I began to do a gratitude reflection. Yes, the aversion and gratitude CAN co-exist. For what am I grateful? Sixty years of sharing my life with a truly wonderful man, (but please don’t imagine it was all roses!) Sixty years of taking care of each other, hearing each other, disagreeing with each other and fighting while trusting in the power of love, and growing together. What a blessing. Of course, there will be grasping and aversion. Am I willing to experience these, hold space for them, and with compassion?
My energy softened. I can’t keep Hal asleep, but I can relax in more spaciousness of mind, body and energy, and with greater equanimity. Everything in this conditioned realm arising and passing away. True ease lies in resting in that truth.
True joy lies in remembering love and gratitude.
His bed is too narrow for any lengthy time there, but a hug feels wonderful!