My swing under the spruces
May blog #6 FINAL (book chapter part 5) May 21, today’s notes at the end
When I expand my practice to stay present with spaciousness and other direct expressions of the unconditioned rather than returning to a primary object, what is most remarkable is that linearity ceases to be the only path; this, unfolding to that, to that…, constantly passing through the conditioned and seeking the Unconditioned as an eventual goal. In this present moment, the distortions are here and also, so powerfully, the ever-perfect.
Awareness rests within the nature of mind itself, the mind that is free of limits; the mind that contains everything, touches everything. From the perspective of this moment, there is no fear there are no limits, there is no separate self.
When I am with the world with awareness, the experience is not as deaf or hearing, blind or sighted, loved or unloved, adequate or inadequate, shameful or not so. Then I truly know there is nothing to fix. And yet the distortions must still be brought into awareness and attended to. Here is the interweaving of mundane and supramundane.
Contact, consciousness, feelings, mental formations… the linear way, is deeply valued as teacher. It is how the human Barbara lives her life! I learn, coming back again and again to the painful lure of each enticing object, the aversive contraction and pain around unpleasant objects, and really see how both object and reaction have arisen interactively from conditions and pass away. Eventually the practice leads to presence in that space of dissolution and knowing it all as simultaneous, the objects and the infinite spaciousness.
But there still may seem to be a duality and I need to transcend that illusion. For me, it’s more a matter of truly knowing the mundane experience is all arising in this conditioned realm and passing away. It has a mundane reality to which I must attend, the beauty and the brokenness. Yet nothing was ever broken because in the infinite space of dissolution, I directly know the perfection. I trust the perfection; I rest more firmly in this big radiant mind.
I’ve found the drawing together of these two traditions – Theravada with its clearly delineated linear path and the Pure Awareness tradition, in which we rest in this ever-present moment – to be the practice that takes me deepest into knowing my wholeness, and that of everything: to knowing the power of love.
Today, Thursday, May 14.
Some days start with more ease and space than others. Last night I fell asleep in front of the TV after Hal was taken to bed late so he could watch the whole basketball game. I awakened stiff and disoriented at 2AM. At 6 AM came the nudge from my jarring vibrating alarm clock, awakening me to the need to have Hal ready to leave at 8 for a medical appointment…Grasping; wanting to sleep; wanting to go out on the deck and meditate on this beautiful morning; wanting to get to my exercises I have only done once this week; a little “poor me” coming out! Then a “get over it” command!
Hal’s caregiver has taken him now, and I have about 4 quiet hours, and am pulled in multiple directions. So many things I “must” do….I pause to look out at my Spruce!
Then out to my deck where his sight greets me.
My desk is covered with “must do” items; laundry is a mess piled up in the back kitchen; there are 223 emails in my inbox, since bedtime last night. Aaron reminds me, messiness is my compassion teacher…and in the moments it’s not messy, it can take your breath away! It’s time to go out and swing under spruces and blue sky. Just this moment!