From Barbara’s personal retreat journal, spring 1989
Spring 1989 I am at IMS, Barrie, MA where I’ve been on retreat now for 6 days. This was to be my first teacher-led longer retreat, 10 days.
Each morning there is instruction; each evening a dharma talk, but I am, deaf. I cannot hear any of this. There is so much grasping. My first tendency was to avoid the meditation hall, but I realized I needed to be there and be present with that grasping.
What do I believe I need to find? I sat here this morning and decided to just watch grasping. What is it? How does it express itself in the body? Sitting this morning, an early thought was, ”how do I get rid of it” and then I could only laugh. If the conditions are present, grasping will arise!
Through the week I have been looking at the question, “who is grasping?” Barbara, yes; Barbara who dislikes being deaf, feels cut out of things by not hearing, feels alone, unlovable and unloved! Aaron asks me, can I find anything that is specifically “Barbara?” This body, these emotions and thoughts, constantly changing. What and who am I?
Tonight, following another unheard dharma talk, after midnight and after several hours of agitated, intermittent sitting and walking in my room, I went downstairs to an area where I could do walking meditation in a larger space, lit by candles. There were 3 other people there, but it was a very big room, and the stairs opened seamlessly into it. On one wall was an altar with flowers and a Buddha statue. I spent almost an hour just walking down the stairs, one step at a time, “Who” descends these stairs? Just the body stepping. Breathing in and out. Watching pleasant, unpleasant and neutral thoughts and sensations.
By the time I reached the walking room level, my whole body and mind were no longer “mine”. That’s the only way I can say it. There was just compassionate presence, watching this human who has felt such pain at being deaf, letting go of identity with body and mind, deaf and hearing. Even that phrasing is too much doing. Self-identity as anything simply fell away. Lifting foot, not my foot, touching floor, nobody touching. Breathing, seeing the candlelight and the shadows. With a wave of great joy, some understanding opened of what is meant by “everything arises out of conditions and passes away.”
The room was empty now. This body sat in front of the altar, filled with joy and ease. Deaf/ not deaf, as per conditions. There is nothing left to fix. The next few days in the meditation hall there was so much joy, watching people hearing the dharma and knowing it was all there in my heart.
Remembering this now, 35 years later. Coming home, grasping did return, not as harsh and often but yes, with conditions, it arose.
But wisdom was taking root. I’d never be as deeply caught again. When we make the skillful effort, doors will open; suffering will diminish. The beautiful dharma will hold us.
With love, Barbara