I’m sitting at my east-facing desk by a nine-foot glass wall. The curtains are opened.  Bright sun hits my face full force, full warmth. Here is the first promise of spring after a bitterly cold two months. I decided to meditate here, in this welcome warmth and light, instead of sitting in front of the altar. The warmth invites my body to relax, allowing deep breathing, feeling peace and joy. For some moments, I’m drifting on my kayak on the lake on a sunny afternoon. Our physical bodies are of the nature to contract with cold; it’s just something the mammal does. And it contracts with fear, with pain. The contraction is not an issue. The bear hibernates through winter. The  flower closes  at night! Both re-awaken to warmth and light! Sitting here in the sunshine I remember how easily that contracture can become habit if mindfulness is lacking. Unless I bring it into consciousness, it remains contracted.

Last week, I awakened at 5:00 AM, unable to breathe, feeling as if there was an elephant sitting on my chest. It took me a few moments to realize that my CPAP had stopped working, thus suffocating me, as happens to it sometimes; it works a bit irregularly and Medicare won’t replace it. I just live with it!  And that I had a 17-pound cat lying on my chest!! Joey never does that, but the house was quite cold on this sub-zero morning and he was looking for some warmth, snuggling under my blanket. I fed Joey, restarted the CPAP, and climbed back in bed, eyes closed but meditating, not sleeping. Breathing deep and relaxing, I became deeply aware of how much I have held habitual contraction through these past few months. When something pushes at us, the impulse is either to push back, or back away. Ideally, we then note the impulse and allow release but, pushing back automatically and without awareness, then we don’t release.

An elephant on my chest is the perfect metaphor! My increased body pain the past several months is a clear result of that internalized contraction. I see how much I’ve  been unconsciously trying to push past it all, to push away the causes of contraction. ”Too busy to stop and look….”

Today I’ve been watching “contraction” with a kind curiosity. Right there with contraction, where is spaciousness? Contraction is a relative object that arises and passes away. Spaciousness is an ultimate object. When I observe them together, my attention seems drawn to the contraction rather than the spaciousness. I’m beginning to ask why? What draws me into the contraction and has me lose touch with spaciousness?

I don’t have a clear answer, just to watch with patience. I was drawn to chanting here in the sunlight and warmth.  “Metta, karuna, mudita, upekkha…,” Just feeling the energy of these beautiful phrases.

And:  from the Metta sutra:

“Wishing: In gladness and in safety, may all beings be at ease! Whatever living beings there may be; whether they are weak or strong, omitting none, the great or the mighty, medium, short or small, the seen and the unseen, those living near and far away, those born and to be-born, may all beings be at ease!”