Taken from a small tour boat in Misty Fiord, Alaska, 2008. It’s a magnificent place!
I want to see where I’m going. Obscurity and uncertainty leave me feeling a lack of control and lead to fear; I contract. I was exploring this feeling in meditation last week, just before Hal’s 90th birthday. I’ll be 84 in a few weeks. Where are we going? What comes next? After 60 years together, will I have to live separately from Hal? Will we have to leave our beloved home of 55 years? Where will I live, and if here, alone, who will be there if I need help? I love my present life and the space and energy of our home and yard and am clinging to it!
Yet some of my favorite memories involve moving through fog. We never know where we’re going! How do we relax, hold intentions, and trust the final outcomes that are grounded in those intentions, yet knowing there are always factors we don’t control.
Dawn; family canoe trip: Forked Lake in the Adirondacks
These two photos were taken at dawn on a family weeklong canoe/camping trip on Forked Lake in the Adirondacks, long ago. Our sons were teenagers. It’s a large lake with many side channels too and dotted with campsites accessible only by water. An hour earlier, the mist was much thicker. I’d get up before anyone else and take a canoe out on the lake. I couldn’t see anything, and of course, could not hear. Loons would suddenly appear. A fish would jump. A butterfly would land on my paddle! It was a world of miracles! I felt such joy in the unknowing! I knew our camp was there and would appear when the mist eventually lifted, or I would blow my whistle and Hal or one of my sons would come find me.
Yet now I look into the mist, the mist of an invisible future, and contract. And I do see how much suffering I create for myself by grasping for certainty.
There are three parts to my practice this week: first is watching that contraction with some spaciousness: just noting and naming it. Fear, fear…. Second is spending some time resting in spaciousness, in the boundarylessness of true being. Finally comes Imagining the future I wish to co-create and knowing it as possible.
Here’s where I fall short. I say to myself, “a place where I have adequate shelter, food, some friendships.” Why not, “A place I find beautiful and where I am nourished in every way, in body, mind and soul.” Do I feel in some ways undeserving of choosing to invite that degree of joy? It feels like asking for too much, for more than my share; but I need to ask for this knowing the infiniteness of source. There is enough joy and peace for us all!
With Colette, Tavis and spirit friends, I’ve been planning our fall” co-creation” workshop series. Please consider joining us. Information and registration.
Emerald Isle beach at dawn
Emerald Isle ocean at dawn with mist and heavy surf; I loved to meditate here and watch waves appear,
then disappear into the water and mist. Do you see the bird?
Our son Peter is a musician and songwriter. I love this song of his and have found myself singing it a lot recently (out of tune of course; I’ve never heard it!)
You Are What You Dream by Peter Rothbart
For more about Peter’s music and a link to hear this song:
https://www.peterrothbart.com/
For more about Peter’s music and a link to hear this song: https://www.peterrothbart.com/
Every day you raise your blinds, your heart sinks at the morning that you see
‘Cause this is not the fate you signed up for, not what you hoped your life would be
You still think of your dreams as separate from yourself
Polished to a sheen up on the shelf
Where you can hide in the tallest weeds
The parts of you that nobody ever sees
But you are what you dream
The things that make your life worthwhile get pushed out by the things that keep you fed
And you forget to laugh and smile ‘cause feeling good won’t help you make your rent
You’re just learning to play by your own rules
If it isn’t your game, you’re still gonna lose
So darling leave your inhibitions behind
You have to seek whatever you want to find
Or your dreams may die
I’m not here to persecute or shame you if you haven’t done your best
I just want you to be happy and not to compromise for any less
Don’t hang yourself on your regrets
Pick up your head and don’t forget
That you are loved, and you are free
To make your world the way you want it to be
‘Cause you are what you dream
When I rise, let me rise
Like a bird, without regrets
When I fall, let me fall
Like a leaf, without regrets, joyfully
I spend my time waiting for something to come
I want all the answers, but these days I’d settle for some, to lighten my load
If you dig too far down then you just make a mess
The simplest questions more often than not are the best, and tell you the most
What is your name? Who are your kin?
Where are you going? Where have you been?
One day you find that what little you know
Is enough to be happy if you can let go
When I rise, let me rise
Like a bird, without regrets
When I fall, let me fall
Like a leaf, without regrets, joyfully
I’ve never been a spiritual man
But I hope there’s somebody out there and they understand why I do what I do
‘Cause no matter how closely I self-scrutinize
The pieces and places to put them are not the same size and I don’t have a clue
The expectations I had when I was young
Have given way to the hope that whatever may come
Laughter and love, or violence and grief
My eyes will be open, and I’ll be at peace
When I rise, let me rise
Like a bird, without regrets
When I fall, let me fall
Like a leaf, without regrets, joyfully