Fall walk in the woods
There were severe t-storms last night, which terrify my poor collie, Banner. He lifts his front paws and chest up on the bed, drawing as close to me as he can. Older now, climbing all the way up is no longer possible, so he brings his face close and trembles; in my sleep his shaking feels like Hal’s vibrating alarm. For the second time, this stormy night, I come fully awake from his fear of the storm. Irritation arises first; four AM; grasping; I need to sleep! I’m not yet sure of what has caused me to awaken, but there is aversion, contraction.
One of the things for which I’m most grateful after decades of meditation is how the practice slips in, almost unnoticed, and takes charge. Mundane consciousness is present with “Grasping, grasping (the mind); contracting, contracting” (the body); and the next thought, which has become deeply ingrained habit, “what is the texture of awareness?”
I’m fascinated to see how I seem able to be in both places at once…,mundane consciousness with the body contracted; the mind agitated…, and an essential spacious stillness that may be uncovered if there is intention to open to it. For me, the intention is primary, and also that self-honesty that observes that I do get caught into protective stories, projecting stories, stories of “I should…, they should….” Intention is the power that helps me not sink into the stories, but to just note the leaning into “story, story, story; and the catalyst for the story… fear, fear , fear…”, or pain, or anger…
In a world of multiple strong catalysts, I need grounding. My practice grounds me in presence, and knowing my intentions to non-harm helps keep me from reacting. Choosing not to scold Banner or pushing him off the bed, I can ask from a place of kindness, “what’s happening?”. Quoting Aaron, “That which aware of anger is not angry. That which is aware of contraction is not contracted.
Sleepily, I get out of bed, cuddle Banner a bit to reassure him, ask him to “settle”, which he does, laying back on his bed. I climb back under my covers and am soon asleep, unlike earlier in the week when my agitation with Hal’s repeated buzzer kept me awake. They both just needed some reassurance. Don’t we all?
