Dear friends,

For many years, many decades ago, I had a daily journaling practice along with meditation. I found it very helpful. Many of these journals found their way to people in bits and pieces through the letters I wrote in the DSC newsletter. It’s been over 2 decades since we’ve published those paper newsletters; it’s been a long time since I’ve journaled. Everything changes, as we know.

Many people ask me about my current practice, which practices I do and how often? How do I relate to challenging situations, to pain, to anger or grief or fear, in myself and in the world ? I wish I had a one-size-fits-all answer for you. All I can say is that with the growth through many years of a variety of practices, if I am open and listen with my heart, I know how to respond. And you do too!

In late July my husband Hal awoke with chest pain and difficulty breathing. An ambulance came and took him to the hospital. I followed in my own car. Of course I was anxious, but he was conscious and responsive as they drove away, and I do trust that U of M hospital offers excellent care. I parked at the ER, came inside, and asked where he was. The person at the desk said there was no Harold Rothbart there. They looked; they could not find him. ANXIETY! So, I waited half an hour and asked again. No, he is not here. I had someone call the other hospital in town and he was not there. Waiting…but Aaron reminds me,” don’t wait, meditate.” Breathing, noting tension… another 45 minutes; I asked again; oh yes, he’s back inside; someone will take you to him. He had been there all along; a clerical error.

These things will happen to us. The question is not if they will happen, but how we respond. I don’t know how people do it with no meditation practice. I would truly just be going crazy.

He was resting comfortably in a small, curtained cubicle, on a narrow hospital bed with oxygen and an IV in place, sleeping. I was told they had done tests to find the cause of his pain and breathing struggle. I was sitting on the seat (like a wide bike seat) of my small mobility scooter. It just fit in between the curtain and his bed. There were no chairs in this cubicle, so I just sat there. Hours passed; doctors and nurses came and went. He had not had a heart attack, but something was wrong and they were checking it out, doing further CT and other scans… We had left the house about 9 AM and now it was midafternoon. I was worried; my body hurt and I was hungry. I do have diabetes, and  did not have food, medicine or a glucose test with me and had not eaten since the night before.

What do I do? Ahhhhhh… just meditating. I did get some peanut butter crackers from a vending machine. I went home about midnight to sleep. Hal was sleeping soundly. They had found pneumonia and had him on oxygen and IV antibiotics  They wanted to bring him into the hospital, but there was not an open bed, so he remained in his curtained alcove. Back I came at 7 AM this time with some food; body sore from sitting on that scooter 15 hours. A kind nurse found me a very small folding chair. Nothing bigger would fit there. There was still no hospital room was available for him. He was sound asleep.

I began to meditate and then talk with Aaron. He reminded me I had not journaled in a long time. I had my iPad so I began to write. Through the following hours, and third day too (same cubicle, still no hospital bed) the idea emerged to create an ongoing blog on practice and daily life, for myself, and anyone who might find it helpful.

Later I spoke to Tana; we decided it must be written ahead so people could subscribe as you do with Aaron’s daily message. So here I am… now trying to figure out logistics. Obviously, what I’m writing today, December 22, will reach you in January. I’m going to date each one. As you read it, you’ll be reading my journal on a different day.  I saw myself grasping at making it precisely current and let go.

Please remember what you read is my life and practice. It may have nothing to do with you. But through over 75 years of meditation and spiritual practice I’ve accumulated what Aaron calls a toolbox. When I’m struggling, what helps? When the world is struggling, what helps? Not to fix anything but to release some armor so light may again flow through. I know that my increased anger and agitation bring down the energy in the world and dim the light, but I also know I cannot deny contracting emotions when they arise. My intention is always to serve the highest good. I can’t always make that happen, but I can hold the intention to pay attention to when I’m closing down and bringing in more negative energy. Only with awareness, is there any possibility of dissolution of that armor, a return to my natural state.

What will be here through this year is just my attempts at opening to more light and living life with attention and love. Most entries will be shorter than this, trying for 1 page max. Occasionally, if Aaron I said something especially meaningful to me. I’ll share that with you. If this journal speaks to you, wonderful. If not, just let it go.

My love to you, Barbara