Sunrise at Emerald Isle retreat
Tomorrow is Easter, a day that always leads to deep reflection for me. I love Aaron and Yeshua’s descriptions of what they call crucifixion initiation and resurrection initiation. I do know I’m constantly experiencing these, even moment by moment in my life. There is the crucifixion of body illness and pain in myself and in my loved ones. There is the crucifixion of hatred, of greed, in my country and my world. There is the madness of believing more hatred and killing are the answers.
What is the resurrection? How do we rise beyond the darkness, and into a world of love of which we truly are capable? We live in a democracy with the ability to vote. Why is it so many people in our country and our world are choosing hate.
Here are my reflections this day before Easter, taken from one of the most powerful spiritual experiences of my life, in a meditation with Yeshua almost 40 years ago, just months after meeting Aaron, and as I was starting Deep Spring Center… I had just been through a very challenging experience with someone deeply caught in darkness. I didn’t yet fully see my own darkness, and unless we acknowledge that darkness, how can we fully open to light? In my meditation. I could see that their rage and mine were one. I kept returning to a sea with huge surf, waves I could not enter.
April 1989: (I had been meditating for several hours)…Suddenly I am aware of dawning, brilliant light and of another presence. It’s Yeshua again and again I feel all the love and compassion he brings with Him.
With great gentleness He reaches for my hands. He asks me again to do what I could not do earlier in the week (April 18) ( I no longer have access to this journal from an old computer; This Christ energy had came repeatedly to where I stood on a wave strewn shore, and asked me to walk with Him into the water, into the waves, He had asked me to trust and accompany Him. Each time my fear was profound and I withdrew. The image simply faded.) Will I come to the beach? This is the same beach that I constantly flee from in terror of the unknown. We find ourselves on the shore. Today the water is quiet. At least there will not be surf to contend with. There is a full moon, and it gives off strong light.
It’s strange as I say this because the living room was there and no less real, but this image of the sea overshadowed all else.
He holds both my hands and looks at me with immense lovingkindness shining in his eyes. I look for a moment and then must turn away. He walks backward supporting me. I have fled from this so many times. Can I really trust to submerge myself? I feel a sudden sense of terror. A voice from deep within my heart commands me, “trust.” At the same moment I’m impelled to look in his eyes and they are filled with such love, such compassion that I’m able to take the next steps. I do this knowing full well where they lead, and that there will be no turning back – not now, not ever. This is irreversible. Perhaps that knowledge is what has made it so difficult.
At chest depth we stop. The water is warm. I feel comforted by His love and totally protected by my love for Him. He tells me, as I submerge myself, to trust in my love for Him and I will have no difficulty in breathing, even beneath the sea. Then we kneel. The water closes over us.
All is still. I can breathe. I hear His voice, somehow. He tells me He will let go of my hands and not to be afraid. He does, and I am afraid and suddenly can’t breathe. He takes my hands again and breath returns. He asks again, “Trust me,” and releases my hands. This time breath continues.
He asks me if I understand what baptism means. I say no. He says it is a confirmation of my love of God and my willingness to follow Him wherever He asks that I go, and to follow with gladness and no holding back. Placing His hands ever so gently on my head, He says, “I baptize you, Barbara, in the name of our Father, of the Son who I was, and of the Holy Spirit that I now am.” Then he gently takes my hands, raises me onto my feet and we walk back to the beach.
We sat and talked for a long time. The whole experience was over four hours, for when I next looked at my watch it was almost nine and the sun was up. Somehow my body had sat there motionless for all of that time.
Of course, I didn’t write it down or try to channel it onto tape, so I can’t repeat perfectly all that we talked about, but it’s etched deeply into my memory; What I quote of Him is paraphrased. Mostly we talked of love and of following that love, not at our convenience but always.
He said He was a ‘brother’ to all mankind, and we talked about the Eternal Father/Mother and His/Her love.
If we harm or kill another, we harm or kill that of the Eternal in ourselves.
He talked about humility, about serving God and praying for the grace to serve Him/Her. He asked me to remember that this baptism was a sign of His, and God’s love and a symbol of my commitment to God. I must always trust Him/Her and His/Her love and follow it, no matter how difficult that was. It must always be, “Thy will be done,” and I must never oppose my will to His/Her’s but listen joyfully and answer with a resounding “yes!”
He explained that this does not contradict free will. Divine will for me is always what I most need, although I may not see it clearly at the time. When in doubt I must ask, and listen, and the answer will always be in my heart.
He reminded me that God cannot protect me, that my protection is in my love and trust of God. With that faith, although my body can be destroyed, my essence cannot be harmed.
God never opposes our free will. When I do not trust, I create the conditions out of which the future arises. When I trust, I invite a different future.
I must continue to concentrate all my thought on both aspects of ahimsa. “Do not harm others, “ is basic, but non-harm to every living thing is not enough. The element of “dynamic compassion” must be there. Not just “non-harm,” but “do good for others; serve others.” If I withhold, through fear, that is a type of harm. Here is where I must keep myself as clear as is possible, learn to listen, and trust. Do only good.
I ask how I can know. He says if I‘m honest with myself and listen to the voice within I will always know.
At the deepest level there is no good or evil, as Aaron has already explained. All beings are perfect in their essence, immaculate and unlimited. It is this aspect of us that dwells in the Eternal and through which is found “the deathless,” or ‘eternal life.”
All being is illusion, as is all non-being. All that is, is the Eternal, and all else is illusion. But even here there are no opposites, no duality, since even the illusion is expression of the Eternal.
Know that nothing matters even as I must act as if it does matter. No suffering must be allowed without trying to heal it, and yet there is no healer and no suffering. I must live on both planes simultaneously.
He reminds me of the rose garden I had seen months ago. I’ll copy what I wrote about it here:
Journal, February 25, 1989
This morning as I meditated, I discovered that my rose was not the only one, that it is part of a garden with so many rosebuds, all touched by frost, all closed tight. The sight of all those rosebuds touches my deepest compassion. I understand, suddenly, what is meant by not just “my pain,” but “our pain,” the pain of humanity, the isolation of us all. I am able to step beyond my own pain, to ask the sun to touch us all, to allow us all to unfold. My isolation is diminished daily as I watch my own bud, and the entire garden, blossom into the light.
Compassion must be at the heart of all I do, compassion and forgiveness. When I have found true compassion there will be no need for forgiveness. There will be nothing to forgive.
Humility must also be at the heart. I do nothing. It is all God, from God and for God.
Above all else, He tells me, love God and follow His/Her will. Listen with your heart, and what he/she bids you to do, do with joy and love and no question in your heart. Keep in mind, “do no harm; do only good.” Many years ago when you were confirmed (Jewish children may be confirmed at age 16)you received a bible with the words, “Think of the end and you will never do amiss.” Allow these words to guide you.
He tells me if I “keep open a heart of compassion and forgiveness” and keep in mind the two aspects of ahimsa, harmlessness and active compassion, and if I “think of the end,” and remember the words, “do no harm; do only good,” I will always know what I should do. He reminds me that help is always available. I must not be too proud, nor afraid, to ask. And when I hear God’s voice, to always answer “yes,” with joy and gratitude.
There are only two emotions, love and fear. If I keep my heart open to love, I’ll walk the true path.
This is part 1 of a two-part reflection. Please look for Part 2 on Thursday.