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Jan. 4, 2017 Private Session Excerpt

Aaron: I’d like you to try something with me. Please clench your fists, clench your jaw, tighten your body just for a minute, 10 seconds. Feel the contraction. Then release, ahhh… I am certain you can feel the distinction between the contracted and open state.

When we live with a lot of fear, when essentially we have lost touch with our essence so we are more connected with the physical and emotional bodies than we are with the spirit, all the systems start to shut down. The chakras close, the flow of energy closes. Everything becomes contracted and all sense of spaciousness is lost.

The experience is as that of somebody who had walked into a cave, walked a distance in, but when you turn around you can still see the cave opening. There is a sense of safety with that connection to the light.  You know where the light is. You’re 50 yards in. Picture yourself turning around and looking at that very clear doorway. It’s mid-day, no danger of the sun setting and leaving you in darkness. You have the choice. You can stop right there, knowing that the light is there with you. Or walk on!

If you keep walking into the cave, it grows darker and you believe you don’t have a torch. Fear comes. Contraction comes. You walk around a bend so you completely lose sight of the light.  As you go around that bend you no longer can see the big opening and the light. Suddenly you don’t know which way to go. No torch, and you’ve lost touch with the light. What are you going to do? Can you feel the contraction that that brings? This is the frequent human experience, as the human loses touch with the inner torch. Your work as a human is to maintain connection with the light. The inner torch is always there. You are that Light.

If you just sit in the doorway, fully out of the cave, fully in the light, you never can explore the shadows. Part of your commitment as a human is to begin to explore the shadow side, to be able to bring compassion and wisdom rather than fear and hatred to darkness.

You cannot just stay outside of the cave, and you can’t become lost so deep within the cave that there is no longer possibility for learning and growth, only fear and despair. Your meditation practice, your prayer, these practices help you to stay connected to the light and rest more firmly in the light, no matter how deep the darkness. Then you can go as deep as is needed and bring your portion of Light where beings flounder in darkness. Just a smile will do wonders!

Private: Karma, Helming and a Past Life from Aaron

May 11, 2016 Wednesday, private session for 2 people
Aaron incorporates during a conversation we three were having.

Aaron: Barbara, Q1 and Q2 were talking about how we can purify karma for ourselves and for others in a lifetime. There was a being that I was 2,000 years ago, not the lifetime in which I knew Jeshua but a later lifetime. There was very little care for lepers in those days. I was experienced in healing, and I went from one leper colony to another trying to help people.

It’s a contagious disease. I knew I might pick it up. I had the skills not to pick it up. I understood how to create a shielding to it in my body. I had to weigh very carefully: which is of more benefit, to be the one who comes back here year after year and doesn’t get leprosy but takes care of the people and is able to continue taking care of the people, or to the be the one who does catch leprosy and suffers it with them, and helps them learn how to live with it? Still helping them to heal, as I helped myself to heal.

I would not say I consciously stated, “Okay, give me leprosy.” Only, I stopped using the practices which would cleanse me regularly of the disease, in part just because I was so busy and they took so much time. In part because I perceived that my attempt not to catch leprosy was based a little bit in fear.

So I contracted leprosy. This was perhaps 10 years into this healing work. Up until then, people regarded me as an outsider, someone who came and helped them, and they were in a sense dependent on me. “Oh, he is here. The healer is here. Maybe he can help us do this, do that.” But when I first appeared with leprosy, it was a totally different picture. They brought me into the center of their group. They loved me. They helped me treat the sores– not that I needed their help, but the love behind it was helpful.

I was able to keep the progression very slow and to teach many people how I kept it slow, so that people with leprosy who would have moved into a much more painful stage of the disease did not move into it. But I could not have convinced them that it worked if I did not have leprosy. It was them seeing me unchanging, that there were sores but they were not developing quickly, not deepening. There was not the rotting of tissues, as usually happens. If I can do it, you can do it. And teaching them, I learned and became much clearer.

The second part of this story is that at some level I was clearing my own karma, and also taking on some of their karma and clearing it. I did not begin this with the intention, “Oh, *I* will clear their karma.” There was simply the intention, “I will take whatever comes to me. I will hold it. I will purify as best I can. I will release it.” But because I was willing to do this, it did purify my own karma. I won’t go into details here about what that karma was. But it did purify my karma and purify other people’s karma. Some of those people became healers, and also were able to take some of the group karma into themselves and release it.

At no point was this a conscious, “I will do this.” It simply evolved out of the intention: Do no harm. Do only good. Do good for all beings. The two of you, and Barbara also, don’t see this in yourselves. You are doing this. Your sanghas, your friends, all the people who are in contact with you, through what you are doing you are helping them to heal and to release some of their karma. Not specifically with a disease like leprosy, but in various ways. To find the courage– I know that both of you have found the courage to live with your challenges, as Barbara has lived with through the years, not to come to a, “Oh poor me, I’m deaf.” She could have done that very easily, and lived a life in a hole. But no.

People need models like this. And Barbara did not say, “I will do this to show off something to people.” Only, “This is the only way I can live.” This is the only wayyou can live, and the only wayyou can live (indicating  Q1 and Q 2) . So have some trust that you are both releasing karma in yourselves and in others in the world. You are serving as models for others.

It’s easy to be on top of the world when there’s no obstacle. But when there are obstacles, it’s very strengthening for people, it really helps people. How do we live with these human bodies and emotions?

That is all.

(tape paused)

Q (with an ongoing physical ailment)asks, by what I’m saying, do I mean, does one not continue to work toward healing? Yes, of course one continues to work. But, let’s say that you have ten starving people in front of you, and you have a little bit of food that you’ve grown. If you divide the food in ten parts, you can just barely keep the ten alive, but youcan keep the ten alive. Or, you can say, “Okay, five will die, and I can feed five of them better.” Or, “Eight will die, and I can feed two very well.” How can you let any one die when you can prevent it? If you were to put all of your energy and direction into healing the body, I have no doubt that you could do it, and fairly quickly. When I say quickly, within a year or so. But this is not your primary purpose. This is one of your purposes. You need to keep feeding all of the purposes, to be true to yourself.

So you offer the energy and intention toward healing, knowing: this, I can do this. Let me offer Barbara as an example. She could do 3, 4, 5 even 6 hours of physical therapy and swimming and Feldenkrais and other such work each day, and completely ignore the dharma teaching. She does not choose to do that. So she divides her energy, knowing, “This is my intention.”

There are two parts to this. On the ultimate level, the ever perfect body is already there. You’re not healing yourself, you’re opening to that ever perfect body. But then if certain other areas are important to you, like learning about human grief and letting go, learning that you are truly not alone at the deepest level, well, this illness serves as a catalyst to lead you into those beliefs so you can release them. If you completely healed the body, what new catalyst are you going to find? Is it to be equally painful? Maybe just stick with this catalyst and continue the work toward physical healing while you simultaneously continue to do the work toward the other healing, for yourself and for others.

Everyone in the world is a mirror, mirroring back to, as you mirror yourself to them. What do you choose to mirror to people? Both of you are choosing to mirror the whole self even though there is ailment. You are not mirroring the broken self. This is vital for other people. It’s an enormous gift. I’m saying more because Barbara will read the transcript: Barbara does the same thing. There is a truth that there are ailments, things are “broken.” There is also the deeper truth you are whole. What do you choose to mirror out to the world?

I have observed for Barbara that there are people who are not ready to let go of their belief in their own brokenness. Part of the reason they have turned from Barbara and Deep Spring  Center is that she’s a reminder to them, wake up! Be the fullness and the wholeness that you are, not the brokenness. And I have no doubt this is true for both of you. What do you choose to reflect out? But it will terrify some people.

(tape paused)

Aaron: We are talking about energy, not my energy but THE energy. The well is never-ending. It’s constantly replenishing itself from the deepest waters of the earth. Dip into it when you have the need. You are afraid that if you dip into it, you’ll take away from others. This fear is part of your karma, to understand the unlimitedness of Source. But of course you won’t take from others, because  the well is infinite. So please partake more fully of that well, nourishing yourself with love, with light, with energy. Will you try that?

Q: Can you give me some specific guidance?

Aaron: Yes. When you’re feeling depleted, tired, when mind is spinning with tasks you “should” get done, when you’re working with your 50%(her medical doctor has advised her to do 50& of what she was doing) but you’re feeling, “I need to do more,” I’d like you to take time out. In this season, go out to your garden. Just sit and look at the flowers and trees, lie on your back and look up at the sky, arms stretched out. “Thank you! Thank you for the beautiful energy of the universe. I am love. I draw this into me and let it fill me.” Watch any image that comes to mind: “If I take some, somebody else will go without.” That is an ancient belief of yours. I don’t think it’s a completely conscious belief.

Picture yourself beside a stream of pure water flowing from a spring. You are drinking when somebody comes and drinks beside you. Fine. Then you notice there are ten people, a hundred people, a thousand people. “I better get out of here so somebody else can drink.” Can you see that thought arise? This stream has a million-mile bank. There’s plenty of place for everybody to drink. You not drinking does not help others. You not drinking only dehydrates you. Do you understand?

You as yet have no idea where you are headed. I cannot promise you it will always be comfortable or easy, only that it will be good, and it will serve your deepest intention of service for the highest good to all beings and harm to none; a way of truly sharing love and light and wisdom in the world. Trust your path.

And yes, it may be challenging. Challenge is not a problem. You would not have come into human body if you were afraid of challenge.

(recording ends)

Wednesday with Aaron; The Practice of Clear Light

January 13, 2016 Wednesday with Aaron
The Practice of Clear Light

Barbara: When I was planning a trip to Spain in September I had felt DomInácio’s invitation to come to Montserrat monastery.  I had a wonderful meditation with him there. He asked me to give him one day a week to sit with the Casa current and to let him work deeply on my ailing spine and knees in preparation for my visit to the Casa, which is in 2 weeks. I’ve been doing that regularly. Often I sit with the current. Sometimes I lie in bed or on the chaise in my office, where I put crystals on each of the chakras.

I have here a fist-size crystal that was on the base chakra. It’s a clear crystal with a lot of light in it. It is variegated, not solid clear, but clear with a lot of rainbow light showing. I’ve had this crystal for several years. When I got up this morning, and lifted it from the base chakra, the bottom of the crystal has two flecks of fairly strong red color. At first I thought I was bleeding, but it’s not on the surface, it’s inside the crystal. There were a lot of black flecks in the same corner of the crystal. The whole thing, the red color and the black flecks, have faded now. I’m going to ask Aaron to talk about this later, after his talk. I’m passing it around so people can see it. My guess is that they were using the crystal to remove some impurities from the body.

I never ceased to be awed at what happens as I work with these crystals and with the Entities! The red has definitely faded. I don’t think it’s gotten smaller so much as faded.

(tape paused)

Aaron: My blessings and love to you all here… I am at fault for not having written a statement for my plan for tonight, as that usually is posted on the website. I simply never got to it. I didn’t send out a clear invitation. But I did at the beginning of the year speak about my idea of 2016 as the Year of Light, what it means to be light in ourselves, and to be a light in the world.

Among the Buddha’s final words: Be a lamp unto yourself. That phrase has many meanings. One means not to lean too heavily on others’ heart and ideas and so forth but to find your own inner deepest knowing. But also, and a less understood meaning for that phrase, is that each of you is literally a lamp, a light.(There are beautiful tiny Christmas lights on the altar, illuminating the room. Aaron has turned them off) If we turn these off, there is a completely different energy in here. Light lifts us up. But so often we look to the electric lights, to the sun and moon, to the flashlight, to the candle, and we forgetwe are light.

I want to start with a story, and I hope it will become a favorite, as my well-known Halloween story has become so. This is one I’ve never told before.

I lived very peacefully, growing up in a country, you don’t need to know the name of the country, but at peace with myself and my fellow men, and with the animals and vegetation around me, with life itself. My people were a very peaceful people.

I was training to become a shaman, and I was skilled at what I did. I had the ability to connect with spirit, to connect with the earth, with all the elements; to feel distortions in the energetic fabric within each being and with the energy connecting beings. I was able to support both the release of distortions and to support the loving connections, to support the inner radiance of each being.

Inner radiance for me was a metaphor. We did see light in people, but it was not the actual light. For those on the conference call, we have some beautiful lights run on copper wire. There must be 200 tiny lights glittering here on the altar, hanging over the Buddha, and draped down upon the shelf. I have never seen such exquisite miniature lights. The inner light I saw in people was not quite this visual luminescence; it was more energy an expression of people’s own inner love.

Our village was invaded by very brutal men. Older men were slain. Women were raped. Some young children were simply cast aside and killed. And men and women of perhaps 14 and up, but young and healthy, were gathered up and taken away. Others of this clan had attacked neighboring villages too. So as we were gathered together by them, perhaps 50 or 60 of us were taken as slaves.

It was late spring, and we walked through the entire spring and summer over a vast range of mountains to a land whose existence was completely unknown to me. Let me offer a digression here. I do not think in terms of words, I think in terms of thoughts, and I pull out words to frame the thoughts. Sometimes I have a thought and the word is elusive. So there are slips at times. It’s not that i don’t know what I want to say, it’s that the perfect word for it has not emerged.

Returning to my story… We arrived in a land not too different from my own, yet more arid, where we were sold as slaves. There I lived for the next 10 years. If I kept quiet and did my work, I was not treated too harshly. I was given a bare minimum of food, but still adequate food. I was not starved. I worked for over 14 hours a day, a lot but not beyond my capacity. I had a place to rest, and I made friends. Men and women were housed separately and fraternization was not encouraged. So my friends were men, and I rarely saw a woman my age.

At night we ate our dinner by fire. We shared stories. We went to sleep early, of course, because we were exhausted and a new day would come soon. We were not given a rest day but worked 7 days a week. These were not brutal conditions, and yet we were slaves with no freedom,  little joy of life and little hope.

My constant background thought was; how can I escape? I want to go home. There were two men who had been close friends in that village of my childhood and taken with me to this place and another man with whom I had become a good friend, not very close but a good friend in the years here. We four talked often, very quietly, about escape.

I woke one morning hearing bells being rung– loud, irritating-sounding bells – warning bells that warned of fire or some other disaster. Enemy were coming. Barbaric looking men rode into this city on horseback, killing and maiming. We as the slaves were more or less just pushed out of the way, as the barbarians were not particularly interested in us. They were not there primarily to gather slaves or plunder or any sort. It seemed they were more there to attack the people of this city, more for power or politics. Riches also, I’m sure, but that was beyond my knowing as a slave.

This battle waged around me for a day, and I realized, this is the time. Chaos is everywhere, men fighting. Who will notice what becomes of slaves? We had been planning for this for years. We had a small store of food, some clothes, a water bag, the essentials we might need, and especially some rope. I didn’t know what I might need rope for, but we had come over the mountains in summer and needed rope, so we assumed we might need it going back. But now it was late fall, winter approaching.

We slipped out undetected, and very easily made it into the forest. We walked for a week or two, completely unfollowed, it seemed. The days grew colder, the nights darker, and gradually the land ascended up into the foothills of the mountains. But now it was winter and snow was falling. These mountains had been treacherous and challenging in summer. Yet we knew we could not survive by staying hidden until spring. If we wanted to go home, we needed to cross the mountains.

Through these years I had the opportunity to practice some of my shamanic and healing skills. I very well understood the use of herbs, for example. I understood how to connect with spirit. I understood how to read the elements of the land and the energy.

So we climbed, and it grew colder. It began to snow. My senses told me that there was a cave not far above us where we might seek shelter, and an hour’s climb brought us to it, the falling snow fortunately covering our tracks. We entered into the cave. Among the other supplies that we had hoarded I had flint to create a fire. We had rags and tallow, animal fat, to make torches. So we went a little way into the cave, in beyond the light of the entrance, and looked around. Here would be shelter for the night. We would see what the morrow brought. But this was the first blast of winter, and it snowed for almost a week. It did not seal the entrance but it was very clear the snow was far beyond our capacity to traverse, perhaps chest and shoulder deep, and it would only grow worse as we climbed.

We had enough food for, I would say for 10 days if we were careful. We had hunted as we walked toward this mountain range. It was enough food that it would easily have seen us over the mountain in the summer. But here we were in a cave. We would die here because we could not hunt in snow that was chest deep. If we walked back down to the lower altitudes, we would probably be caught.

Lighting the torch, we could see what was really a clear path into the cave. How far would it go? We had no way of knowing, but we decided to walk. We each had a torch, but we lit only one, saving the others. We walked all day, the ground gradually descending; as it went down, the air became warmer. We walked.

It was not a comfortable walk. We could see by the skeletons found here and there that others had tried this walk before us and died. There were frequent branches off to one side and another, but this main path by the light of the torch seemed just a little bit smoother, a little bit warmer, so we followed this main path. Remember, we were skilled trackers, pathfinders, and outdoorsmen. We walked.

The first torch was burning out; we used the second. Each torch seemed to last for a day or two, and we dared not walk without it because there were places where there were precipices, or seemingly equal forks, where only by careful examination could we find which one was the true path. We walked.

We had used up two of our torches, and there came a time of decision. Do we go ahead and trust we will be through before the final torch burns out? Or shall we go back and take our chances in that winter landscape? We would not go back to captivity.  We did not fear a clean death in the winter elements, but we would not go back and be slaves. We lit the third torch. We walked.

We decided to try to save our torches a bit. I mentioned that we had made rope, not the rope you have today, not refined rope, but rope made of vines and such, and I had quite a length of rope. So one man would stand where we had turned the torch out. The other three, tied together with 4 or 5 feet between them so that they could move a little to each side, would walk ahead very quietly in the dark. When they got to the point where the rope from the anchor person was fully extended, they would light the torch for just a moment to see if it looked like a clear path. And if it looked like a clear path, signal, “Yes, come!” And the last one would walk up and connect. And then we’d do it again, advancing perhaps 50 yards at a time, moving forward in this way in the dark. It was hard because rock projections would hit your head. Underfoot, other projections would trip you. There would be an unexpected turn, a place where it dropped down suddenly. But for three days we made our way this way using our two torches at either end of our 50-yard rope and progressing in those small incremental steps.

And then came the terrible day when we used the last of our tallow and there was nothing down there to burn. We gathered together and ate our meager meal. I bid my friends to rest while I meditated and asked the spirits, our guides and guardians, for support. What should we do?

Through the night I prayed much less for myself than for my friends, my brothers, whom I loved, that we might come to safety. I felt an enormous love coming up into my heart. I felt as I sat there as if I could almost see the path radiating in front of me, even though it was dark. I sat and I prayed, and my heart was filled with love and with light, light at that point still being a metaphor for me.

But gradually, as I looked around, I began to see, you can’t call it light, not in the sense of the lamps, but a vague light, a vague shimmering. The path itself seemed to be shimmering. One of my friends awakened, sleeping right there at my feet, and said, “You are lit up.” He awakened the others. They looked at me and could see light radiating out– not radiating, that’s too strong a word– very gentle light emitting out from the heart chakra and from the third eye, almost like a flashlight shining forth. Very soft, but enough light to light the way.

How could this be? I was somewhat of a master in many shamanic forms, but creating light? And yet it was undoubtedly so. When they pointed it out, I became afraid and the light went out!

The first one said to me, “Whatever you were doing, go back to it.” And we all began to chant there and pray. Again I opened my heart, and again the heart chakra opened and light shined through this flesh, just a gentle soft light. Then I brought my attention up to my head and my intention to see, and gentle light shined through the third eye. As that light shined, the path again picked up a very soft glow. So we began to walk.

It was vital that this happened at this point because where the path had been slowly descending. Now it turned uphill, and it became steep in places. We would have fallen to our death numerous times those next two or three days if we had not been able to see. But each time we could see enough.

When we paused, I sat in meditation with my friends and began to teach them this practice of light. Let us call it the practice of clear light. You know that there are practitioners who can sit outdoors in bitter cold and bring heat up into the body. This is not any different. The light is there; one can invite it. So we began to practice together, this practice of clear light.

This was the beginning of my deeper understanding of the simultaneity of relative and ultimate, for this cave was pitch black in conventional terms and yet light was there. Where there is,… there are too many ingredients to list them, but simply loving intention, life, joy, non-contraction, hope, praise, gratitude, non-identification with fear’s stories, where these are, light exists. And we are never separate from that light for an instant if we remember we are the light that we seek; if we do not manifest it for selfish reasons but only for the highest good.

The way was much longer than expected. Fortunately there were underground streams, little waterfalls. We had abundant water. We had some dried food that, with our rations severely cut, would be enough to see us through.

The path slowly began to rise again, and we found ourselves, one glorious day, coming into a chamber that was far lighter than the light that we, all four of us, were now emitting. What we had found, at first was not a doorway; there was light streaming in between cracks in the ceiling. Then we still had to go a bit further in the dark. But it was clear we had arrived. And eventually we did emerge through a doorway and our homeland lay before us in the distance.

We still had a long walk. We knew this territory. We walked for several weeks to where our people had lived, in mountains. There, within the arena of our spiritual practices, I was given the opportunity to teach this practice of clear light. Not as a way of finding your way through a cave– that’s a practical application. But as a way of finding your way through the darkness of everyday life. The chaos and fear, the grief, the anger. It’s a very powerful practice.

This year I intend to teach a lot more of this practice. So many of you are ready for it now. So it will be a joy to share it in our classes and in our times together.

That is the basis of my talk, or at least of my tale. Let me go on to talk a bit more about the practice of clear light.

(tape paused)

Let us begin this discussion with awareness of the fact that nothing can be that is not already. There is already light. There is already love. It may not be visible. It may not be apparent. It may be so far submerged that you have lost touch with it completely, but of course it’s there.

Your spiritual practice is basically a remembering of who and what you are, of your radiance, of your divinity, so that you can bring it out into the world. Your world is not an evil place that must only gradually be shifted so it reflects kindness. Your world is a place of loving kindness, a place of loving intentions, a place of joy; of which most of you have lost sight, so that for an eternity you’ve been on a treadmill trying to plow your way through the mud that gets deeper with every roundabout, your feet going deeper and deeper into this illusory swamp.

Imagine yourself walking on a path after heavy rain, and the mud is ankle deep; there are thousands of you walking on it. Ankle deep mud becomes knee deep mud becomes hip deep mud, churning it up and churning it up. On either side of you, the ground rises up into a grassy bank, but you’re so accustomed to walking in the mud that you forget, “All I have to do is take a few steps to the right or to the left, step up to where the grass  and flowers are growing sweetly. I can step out of the mud any time I wish. It’s only my old habit that keeps me plowing through this mud.”

The waking up is the moment of remembering: perhaps there is something other than the mud! Perhaps instead of fighting against the mud I can say, “That’s enough,” and just take the 5 or 6 steps that carry me out. It will be hard. The mud clenches to the feet, even pulls your boots off. The mud is metaphor for old habits that do not want to free you. But a few steps up and suddenly you’re on that sweet-smelling grass. Then of course you’re lured back to the mud. Why? Just habit.

Perhaps you’re walking along on the grass, the muddy path turns one way, and you don’t see any way to go straight without getting back into the mud. Once you’re back into the mud, you forget you can step back out again.

So much of it is habit. Let’s just call it karma. This is the way that the human has learned to think for millennia, that life is or should be a fight, that if it’s not hard, something’s wrong– why? Why should it not be easy and joyful?

So the first step is to remember: life does not have to be hard work. That doesn’t mean there will be no work, but the work is different than you think. It’s hard work also to walk for miles in that sweet-smelling grass, and you do need to keep walking, but you are aware of the blessings. At a certain point you can settle down and sleep in the grass. You can even stay there for a week or a year. But eventually you’ll want to get up again. And walking takes energy. So no, we’re not just all going to go lie on the beach. And if we did, we’d still have to fish for our food.

The shift in thinking is the release of the idea everything is against you and you have to fight for what you need, rather than knowing, everything is supporting us and we welcome it with such gratitude, and co-create with the universe, for the highest good of all beings everywhere. We welcome this abundance with such joy, such gratitude; we learn to trust this abundance. We are not separate from it.

You are here to learn. Sometimes the uphill struggles are part of the learning. So sometimes it does seem to need to get a bit more arduous in order to allow you to recognize your deepest resources. If I had not been caught in that dark cave, I would not have remembered how to bring forth this inner light, and how to teach it to countless others, who have taught it to countless others. I’m not the only one who is teaching this, Today I am one of many, and am a relatively small figure amongst the illuminated beings in the present world. But I needed to learn it, so I needed to be in an uncomfortable enough place that I would remember/ learn it.

Life challenges you. What is it challenging you to learn? It is not trying to oppress you. It is inviting you to open to something new and yet ancient, to literally remember your wholeness. Remember your harmony with the earth and all that is, and that this is how you were made. This is the human being, made to live in joy, in harmony, and with ease; not the ease to lie all day on the beach, the ease also to get up and catch the fish. But when you’re living in harmony, you simply invite the fish and the fish will say, “Oh yes, it will be my joy to come and feed you,” and they leap up on the beach at your feet. Then if you want to cook them, you still have to go and gather wood to light a fire, or eventually remember how to invite the fire to spark forth.. The trees may or may not say, “Oh, we will leap to your feet and start a fire of ourselves.” Perhaps that’s a little more of an advanced stage! For now, the fishing can be a joy, and the lighting of the fire can be a joy. And you express deep gratitude to the fish and deep gratitude to the woods and to the fire. The fire that warms you, the sea that cools you. Everything is given. Why would it be otherwise? Is it time to stop living your life as a battle?

So these are the teachings I would like to move more deeply into this year. It’s interesting, as I look through all of my teaching here to Barbara since 1989, there are many things I said to her then that she understood only on one level, really on a linear level. Many things I said to many of you that you understood only on that level. But now many of you are deepening and ready to understand these teachings on a nondual level.

There is literally nothing to fear. You are love and you are light. When you know that light within you, it cannot be dimmed. You are a Divine spark of Light. The human can die. The light of that individual expression of itself can be dimmed. But the essence of what you are cannot be dimmed.

How do we speak to the terrorists of the world, to those filled with fear and hatred? Only love resolves hatred. This is the truth, ancient and forever. Quoting the Buddha in “Dhammapada” , of course. How do you learn to bring forth that level of love in a world that’s constantly pushing at you? How do you learn to trust your own inner light to literally light up the way, as my heart did in that cave?

My heart was no better than yours. You can do the same thing. Anything I suggest that you can do, or tell you I did, you can do. You are no different from me. But first you have to hold the intention, “It’s time to pick myself up out of this muddy track. I’ve had enough of this muddy track. Now I’m going to walk in the flower-strewn meadow.” I will meet you there.

So let’s take a minute to stretch, here, and then we’ll open the floor to questions.


I welcome your questions…

Q: What does it mean to manifest light in a selfish way?

Aaron: You really cannot manifest light in a selfish way. The ego can take the light around you. You may even use that light to support others. But it’s not coming from within. Only the clear self can allow the light that is already within to shine forth.

So if I come in with a bowl of fruit and I take a few of the choice pieces off for myself and then look at it and say, “Well, there’s more than I can eat here. Would you like some fruit?”, the ego in a kind way is offering the fruit to others. But it’s from a place of self, the giver, the doer. *I*will give fruit to others. It’s a kind thing to do. Others will enjoy the fruit. But it bears less good results than if I see the bowl of fruit and say, “or “Oh, there are three pieces here and eight people, but it can be shared.” There’s no thought of what do I want first and then I will share, but, “Oh– here,” offering out constantly from this place of emptiness and love.

It bears good results not only in that it gives people the benefit of the fruit, but in that it creates a whole new karma of connectivity, of interbeing, of joy. It releases any karma of fear and holding.

So to manifest light, to shine light– I take the torch and I say, “Here, do you want some light? I’ll shine it on the path to benefit all.” To manifest light can only come from this clear space.

Let’s not only use light, which is harder to understand, but kindness. I can offer kindness to people. “Can I help you? Are you hungry? Would you like a snack?” Well, it’s kind of me, it’s generous. There’s at least some degree of ego doing it, but still it can be very kind. But it’s very different than the complete openhearted, “Everything I have I give out freely. I have no need to fear and to hold onto it. Whatever I need will come to me. I give it freely.” So I manifest abundance in that way. So I’m using kindness as one step easier to understand than manifesting light.

Does that make sense to you, how we might manifest abundance and then move on to the next step of manifesting light?

Manifesting light is not really a clear term. Making available the light that is already and always been manifest, is a clearer way of saying it; to make it available. Not I; but love makes it available. And that’s what I did in that cave. Only I didn’t know the light was there. I was as surprised as the next person. “Where did this light come from?” Then I remembered, or realized,  it’s always been there. And then I was able to begin to understand what allowed it to shine forth.

Other questions…

Q: It seems like there could be a possibility of idiot compassion where you don’t accurately assess your own needs, and the impulse to be generous becomes a problem.

Aaron: Bingo! Good one! The thing is, this is not compassion. This is simply a surreptitiously driven ego that doesn’t want to acknowledge that it wants to be somebody who’s generous, who’s skillful, who’s kind, who perhaps has the desire to be seen as generous, skillful, and kind. And by others, perhaps not even that so much, just, “For me I have to be generous and skillful and kind or I don’t feel good about myself.” But it’s still about me.

But when I see that movement to  being a “somebody”, recognize it, and start to balance it, there’s no longer a distinction between you and me. Both our needs are requested to be met, and if it’s not meeting my needs, it’s not meeting your needs. If it’s not meeting your needs, it cannot meet my needs.

Once we are more awake, we know that. The challenge is that we are not all yet awake, so we must walk this path gradually, investigating generous giving  and then asking, how did that feel? Is there some part of me that held back? Is there some part of me that had to give, even though it hurt me? With mindfulness we begin to understand what’s driving us, to let go of what has been driving us for lifetimes, and to find the place where innate compassion comes forth and speaks or acts.

It’s such a gradual transition that you don’t see it at first. But there comes a point where you know it just feels right. There’s no question in your mind what should be done. You know what to do. And the knowing what to do is not always about giving; sometimes it’s about saying no.

So it takes moving back and forth, speaking and acting and reflecting. Taking it into meditation. Understanding any places where there was subtle contraction in that speech or action, and what the ground for that contraction was, which is almost always the imbedded notion of the separate self. But we’re not as stuck as we seem. It’s not that we have to be completely awake in order to speak and act from that place of innate compassion. But that each time we do it, it helps us to awaken more and be able to do it further.


Q: Why does it seem to take a big challenge or trauma to do the most learning?

Aaron: Let’s go back to our illustration of the path through the woods. Once upon a time it was at the same level as the woods on either side. There was some grassy edging. The whole open passageway was ten feet wide, but people walked in one central area and gradually they wore down a path that bore into the soil so it was 6″ lower, then a foot lower. Now to step up on either side of the path is stepping up onto a high bank. It rains. The path becomes muddy. Hundreds of people walk through it. The mud is churned around. It’s worn down through the years. Now it’s two feet up on either side. To step out of it, you have to climb out. It’s not just a side-step anymore.

Here we come through the woods on this, what was once a level 10′ wide swath of grass. We’re walking in the center of that 10′ swath, sunken down 3′ in mud up to our knees. You look on either side of you. What was level path is a high step up and thorns have grown up on those previously grassy banks. It no longer looks so easy to walk there. Saplings have grown because nobody has walked there, tree roots.

How deep does the mud have to get before you finally says, “That’s it. I’m going to step out of this.”? Once you step out, you might take a scythe with you and clip down some of the weeds. But you’re going to be very wary of not creating another trench. You choose a path that’s lovely, and then you choose another path that’s lovely. You don’t create any more trenches. Let us consider “trench” the habitual notion of separate self. Basically you’re not going to get out of that trench until it becomes too hard to walk there. When walking through it is too unpleasant, you’ll get out, otherwise you’ll stay.

Let me ask here a personal question. And you don’t have to answer this to the group, although you are free to if you wish. Think about what finally brought you to make a shift in your previous relationship and step out of it. If there had only been a little suffering there, would you keep trying? There was a point where you said, “That’s it. This isn’t working. It’s time to step out.” It was very painful to be in, and painful to step out. But once you stepped out, you found there were other beautiful things in life that you had forgotten.

Does that answer your question? Of course we could talk about this for weeks. That’s a short answer, not the long answer. But the way your life is set up is that you have certain intentions. You keep coming to things that challenge the fulfillment of those intentions. In order deeply to fulfill the intention, you have to meet the challenge. In meeting the challenge you usually have to go beyond what you thought of as a prior limiting belief. Then you begin to discover and live the fullness of what you are, not just trod this small muddy path.

Or maybe it’s dry season and the path is packed and there are birds in the trees. Pleasant walking. There’s a bank on either side with flowers. But you’re still stuck in that path, still in a rut of limiting beliefs..

Barbara has a cabin in the woods at Friends Lake. When she first moved into the cabin 15 or more years ago, there was a path coming from the parking area, up to the top road, along the road a short way and back down her driveway to her cabin. She thought, I want to make a path that cuts across from that main path to my cabin so I don’t have to go up and back down. I said to her, do you really want a path? What if you go through a different way each time so that you don’t create a new path but simply work to keep fallen branches, poison ivy, and other such obstacles out of the way there, so that you can walk through any way you like?

She thought it was a wonderful idea. But eventually a path became carved. Now it’s a sharp path. It’s not a bad path, but it’s a very distinct path. And the other ways are not so open anymore. There are fallen tree limbs, poison ivy, and such. The more there are barricades in the other routes, the more Barbara and others cling to the path. It’s not bad. In this case it’s convenient. But think about that as a metaphor for your life. Are you wiling to go out and clear up the tree limbs that have fallen so you can walk where you like, or are you just sticking to the known path? What do the tree limbs represent? Perhaps the uncomfortable relationships, the uncomfortable feelings, the times of confusion, the times of strong uncomfortable emotion. It’s not so easy to keep attending to those, so you just walk the one known path. But it limits you.

Other questions? (No.)

I told Barbara I would talk about the crystal. The red and specks are definitely fading even as we have been sitting here, but are still distinct. I’m speaking through Barbara and she also will read this in the transcript, so I’ll talk to her a little bit about it here, that she may read it later.

Barbara, you had the intention to healing, and out of that intention you invited direct connection to DomInácio, who said, “I support you.” He asked you, as I asked you, to consider the simultaneity of the body distortions and the ever-perfect. He noted that his work was not to fix anything but more fully to release the barriers to knowing the ever-perfect, including releasing certain challenging distortions like strong pain, because it’s harder to really rest in the ever-perfect when there is strong pain.

As you have noted, Barbara, there have been ups and downs these few months; times when the body seems to be getting so much stronger and more pain-free, and then times of extreme pain. So, from my perception, incorrectly doing a physical therapy exercise on Saturday triggered the recurrence of these very strong muscle-spasms and pain. It’s related to the nerves in the back, to the spinal stenosis. It’s related to everything; the whole body works together.

Keeping your agreement with him, you came to him this morning asking for help with this pain. You held your intentions before him before you lay down to meditate with the current. He chose this crystal because he knows the crystal’s capacity, and had you put it just above the pubic bone, at the base chakra at a point where it was close to the spinal area, the impacted nerves and so forth.

DomInácio, you, and the crystal all agreed to co-create a gradual release of the distortion in the body. “Distortion” looks contracted. It often gives off a dark light and energy. Crystal has the capacity to pick up such distortion, to take it into itself, almost like it’s doing tonglen. It breathes in that dark energy and then gradually it will release it.

I suggested to you after you arose today not to soak it in Casa water because it would be too extreme and it could implode the crystal; to let it sit in sunlight so it could gradually release, and in a day or two, when it’s ready, then we’ll put it in Casa water to release more. But some of the distortion may not completely release. The crystal has agreed to carry it so you don’t have to.

It’s much the way it is when you do tonglen. You breathe it in and you release it. And yet something in its passing is left within you, not to create distortion in you but as the ground for compassion.

You are serving the crystal here. The crystal is deepening in its ability for compassion. So I wouldn’t worry about whether it releases or not. But literally the black flecks you saw and the two red streaks are the material imprint of that contraction and distortion as the crystal has soaked them in and allowed them to settle into itself, to help release them from your body.

I can’t ask you if there are any questions because I know you are not hearing this right now. We will discuss it after you read the transcript.

So, are there further questions here?

Q: Just the other day I received a message from my cousin out of the blue. In it he said, “My ultimate dream is to quit my job and become your office manager and we do humanitarian work, and for us to serve and know happiness through service.” And he continued his email message… So I read the email. It was loving. And yet I was picking up on fear. And the parts in me, there was the pushing back against it. So it was an experience of hearing that message from the place in him that was ego-based, the ego parts in me bristling back, and also the love, the undistorted place in him, and that’s in me. And I wasn’t quite sure what was going on with all that! … It was just different frequencies and they were jarring.

Aaron: When there is strong intention to live and act from a clear and loving space, there is a commitment to ongoing meditation practice, to give yourself both mindfulness in the moment and the time in daily deeper practice to note anything that’s unclear, and hold the intention to release it. It doesn’t mean it will instantly release. But you start the process of releasing.

Everything happens gradually. If you know that you’re coming to the place where there’s that deep pit of a trail, knee deep in mud, when you leave your house that morning, you take the scythes with you so you can cut some of the leaves on the side. So you plan it so you’re not going to have to walk through the mud. But there’s not a smooth trail yet. It may be weeks before you’ve cleared enough of the growth on the side. Perhaps you will need to come in with some truckloads of dirt and fill the pit that formed, adding gravel, wood chips, whatever, leveling it out. It takes work. But it cannot happen without intention.

We watch various elements of this. Where is the intention coming from? Is it more in the ego? What part of the intention is clear and beautiful and pure? What part is more ego-centered? Seeing that part that is more ego-centered in this intention, what’s driving that? Some fear. What is the ground for that fear?

We can look at this two ways. On the one hand we understand that the one who is fully awake no longer has those fears or ego-driven intentions, and yet the path to awakening is a gradual one. We’re not yet awake. Can we be patient and loving with those ego-based fears and not give in to them, not be snared by them? But each time they come, note them. Can we find what is beautiful right there with the ego-based intention? There’s fear in that and what else? Where is the love in it?

If we look at it and say, “No, no ego-driven intentions here,” we may throw out the beauty of the intention as well. When we look at it and say, “Ah, I see the ego and fear in this and I also see what’s beautiful. I am going to focus on what’s beautiful but not deny there is some ego and fear,” what is the ground for that? How do I clarify that, right here in this moment with that which is beautiful? Just choosing that which is beautiful can clarify a lot of the ego intention, a lot of the ego’s energy.

So we keep moving back and forth, back and forth, with mindfulness, always looking at what was chosen, what was done. What are the results? Not asking, “What are the results?” with fear, but asking from a very openhearted place, what are the good results here? And what are the places that are still snaring me?

Your cousin has offered you an opportunity to do such work. Honor yourself that you are doing it.

Q: I considered <unclear> not just action but the contraction in the energy field.

Aaron: As we become more mindful, we see that faster we notice the contraction in the energy field, the smaller the reaction. You’re meditating and suddenly there’s something tickling your arm. Maybe just a moth or a little ant, maybe it’s a wasp, maybe it’s a mouse walking down your arm; who knows? Spider, who knows? The impulse– “No, I will not swat at it, no. I’ll open my eyes, see what’s there, and do what’s appropriate with it, and then I’ll come back and sit.” But  when one is back in that pit of a path. It takes a lot of doing to get away from the swatting.

The more attuned you are to the arising of even subtle contraction as catalyst for movement, for action or speech, the more quickly you become free of that kind of movement. It may be the same movement. If I see a spider on my arm, I’m probably going to want to get it off. If I see there’s a wasp walking down my arm, I’m probably going to want to get it off. The difference is, is the energy one of hatred or of kindness. “Oh, this creature is caught indoors and he may want to be free also. I’ll take him to the door. I’ll release him.”

And gradually when something tickles, we do move into a, “Oh, let’s see what it is,” not (swatting) and then, “Oh, what was it?” So habitual patterns shift gradually. It takes patience. It takes work. Perhaps dedication is a better word than work– effort, endeavor. Just because there’s a fear contraction doesn’t mean it’s bad. It’s just old habit. Where is the good in this? Where is the light in this?

Walking through the cave– fear. Where is beauty to be found here? Where is goodness to be found? For the highest good of all beings, I’ll touch this open heart. Not thinking, “Oh, I’ll create a light,” *I* will create a light with MY heart. Just, “I open my heart, because myself and my comrades are going to die here if there’s no solution. And I want to hold us all in love, whether we live or die, and not give into fear.” And out of opening my heart, the light that’s always been there shines forth.

Does that answer it, at least a bit, for you?

(new)Q: I would like confirmation about something that I suspect. So as we do this work where we put more space around contractions and then don’t choose to react to them, and they dissolve and no longer arise, does that mean we are allowing more light to be present?

Aaron: Yes. Always when there’s less contraction, there’s more light. Let me phrase that differently. When there’s less contraction, there’s less density. The light that’s always been there is increasingly able to shine through. Contraction is dense. When it opens up, the light that’s always been there can shine forth.

Q: And it’s habitual karmic patterns that create this density?

Aaron: It’s habitual karmic pattern to contract against uncomfortable experience rather than simply to breathe and open with it. As soon as that shift occurs where you realize, “I am the one that’s closing myself in,” then almost immediately it’s open again. It still takes practice, but you’ve shifted everything by that one moment of clarity.

It’s that old question; we ask, “Do I still need to do it this way? Maybe I don’t have to do it this way anymore.” What have you been doing over and over that’s creating suffering? Maybe you don’t have to do it that way anymore.

Now if the ego picks that up and says, “Oh, I can do it this way instead,” trying to force things, it’s not going to improve the situation. But if the heart comes in and says, “Oh, I see how much fear there’s been, how much contraction, confusion, sadness, anger,” (breathes) ” Awareness chooses to come back into the spaciousness of the loving heart,” not denying the confusion, sadness, fear, and anger but no longer locked into their stories. Suddenly I’m up on that grassy swath and I didn’t even have to mow it. It’s open. It’s always been open.

So that’s another trap, thinking, “If I get out, I’m going to have to mow the grass on either side.” Well, it is and it is not an illusion. If you’ve dug yourself deep into this path, it’s going to take effort. And the effort could be likened to having to mow the grass. Having to climb up the steep slope. It’s not as easy as it was before the pit dug itself. But once you start, you find that it goes very quickly, if you practice in a skillful and openhearted way and don’t fall into the trap of saying, “Well it’s still hard so I guess I’m not being skillful and openhearted.” Blaming yourself, criticizing yourself, do not help. Just note, “It’s still hard. There’s probably something here I don’t fully understand. I ask for help. I open my heart. I release obstacles. I hold the reality of the ever-perfect right here in this moment while acknowledging that while I’m knee-deep in mud.” It will come together. It took a long time to dig that deep pit of mud. So the first steps out onto the grassy bank may be hard.

I want to offer thanks and blessings to this space, that whoever next moves into this space will enjoy this high energy and the love we have left here. That our efforts to transmute the vibration of this space may bear wonderful results for whoever inherits it. I thank this space for welcoming us. And I know our space with Interfaith will also be beautiful. I’m truly looking forward to that and grateful to Interfaith Center for the invitation.

My blessings and love to each of you. I’ll say goodnight.

(session ends)

Barbara’s 2016 Casa and pre-casa journals, all

Feb 25, 2016.I have been here at the Casa almost 5 weeks and have barely written. I’m resting in my room, after surgery Wednesday afternoon and want to finally write. I write primarily for myself, and not to be literary; there will be typos and grammatical errors too.

I invite any readers to feel free to skip to page 4 where I’ll start with a brief entry from Feb 19, and then today. I’ll work backwards to my arrival here. These first four pages are journals from the fall, very relevant to the story but not “current”. However, I’m going to reread those 4 pages now before I start to write.

August 30. I thought I had written this month (August) but it’s not here.

Last night I slept soundly for 7 hours!! (rare), and awakened free of any pain (also rare). My left shoulder especially felt open and pain-free. I felt the Entities present so after washing I laid down to meditate a bit. There was strong energy, Father John and others.  After some time of meditation and centering, and work with the Entities, I did some of Dale’s (Feldenkrais) exercises with one knee bent/raised and raising that hip, shortening that side.

As I did this, I was reflecting on the elements and what imbalance there was. As soon as I lift the right hip, if done with a push from the leg, there is right thigh cramping and the elements move out of balance, especially in the belly, but also in the back. Air and water are locked out by too heavy an earth element in the belly, especially in the solar plexus area, but also in the lumbar spine.   Relax the lift; breathe; invite elements into balance. With more precise awareness of the elements and just at the moment when theybegin to go out of balance, lift again; watch for any distorted tightening in the belly or back and bring the elements and chakras into balance. Envision a stream flowing from right hip to left shoulder, and in back, a river flowing up a down the spine. Now lift gently, using muscles of abdomen, back, & glutes as seem to be appropriate, and breath gently, keeping the energy open, elements balanced.  Hold a few seconds; release; rest again. I did this for about 20 minutes, some on each side, and it eventually felt open and good. Raising the left knee, the element imbalance was more in the left lower abdomen near the spider bite area (brown recluse spider bite, June, 2013), blocked there, stagnant; no fire, no movement. That area was heavy so energy was not moving up toward the right shoulder.  So I worked a bit differently with that, toning and bringing loving energy into that lower left abdomen.

I finished with this and then rested a while. I felt the presence of a new entity that gently took my right hand and brought it to my (still pain-free) left shoulder. I asked who she was (I experienced the entity as female although of course they are all androgynous). More about her below, but Father John sent her.

She asked me to lift my left arm, which was resting straight out on the bed. I could not do so without pain. Stop. She asked me to locate the back muscles connected to the shoulder and then, keeping the arm straight, to lift the arm just an inch but without strain or pain. After some experimentation I was able to do so. Next she asked me to also bring in the abdominal muscles. Lift the arm just one inch with no strain. Done.  Next, bend my right knee as I have been doing with Dale’s exercises, gently lift the hip in the appropriate way, and simultaneously lift the arm up from the side to pointing to ceiling, as far as it can go with out pain, slowly and gently. I found it could raise it almost up vertical. Lower gently, then rest. She asked me to do this 5 times, resting between. No pain.  She then asked me to repeat with the other arm. That one is easy, but she wanted me to use the correct muscles, bend the left knee.

Who is she? We talked a long time after I finished the exercises. Her energy was so gentle and loving, but also a bit timid. She felt “young” to me. I asked her if she had transitioned recently and why she was sent to me. She says I may share this.

She was a Christian nun, originally English, who lived many decades in India and worked with Mother Teresa. She was skilled and loving but always frustrated that she could not help people more, that there was so much suffering. She began to carry more and more of it on herself.  Finally, in some ill health and growing old, she ‘semi-retired” and was sent to a convent in Brazil to carry on Mother Teresa’s work in a more sheltered and less stressful environment. There, about 20 years ago, she came toAbadiânia and met John of God (actually, she says now, she first met him when he came to the city, then was drawn to visitAbadiânia) where she spent much time over several years. She died a few years later (about 15 years ago) but her karma held her into a denser place, still caught up in “fixing” and fear. She has recently grown through that, with loving support, and is just starting to work with the Brothers and Sisters of Light. I am her first “assignment” or (she says) more correctly, she is my assignment as her teacher; through me she is to learn more patience and openheartedness. I pointed out that teaching and learning go hand in hand and we will help and teach each other. Our karma is intertwined.  We thanked each other, offered our blessings to each other, and she left.  I do find she is hovering around me all day though, eager to watch and sometimes asking questions, though not intrusive. Once today (when I was helping N move a lightweight pile of wood chips with a shovel and was moving in an unskillful way), she stopped me and coached me to move with more awareness of our morning exercises, lifting from back and abdomen.  I look forward to getting to know her better. She asks to be called Sister Love.

October 7, 2015:

We returned home late Monday night from the cruise, which was lovely. I’ll add some brief journal notes here. I want to write about Montserrat. In August I wrote about my “invitation” from DomInácio but cannot find that journal (It also includes more of my experiences with Sister Love. Maybe lost with the fall computer breakdown. I’ll look for it, and rephrase very briefly below). Realizing that we would be in Barcelona and the proximity of Montserrat (of which I was previously unfamiliar until DomInácio’s invitation to come there), I arranged a day tour there. While meditating here in my office, with the Current, I hadheard an invitation from DomInácio to come, that he wanted to talk. I asked him why we could not talk here, and he said we could but the energy for the exchange was better there, to be patient and thank you for coming.

At Montserrat we went into the main room of the Basilica, and I was able to meditate there for about 45 minutes (I would have liked to stay longer but Hal and our guide were with me and I knew they couldn’t sit quietly much longer). By then, DomInácio said he and the other entities had conveyed the basic ideas, plus a very high energy “gift” ( I don’t know what else to call it, but his energy was so deep and embraced me totally, so filled with lovingkindness), and we could continue to talk once I returned home. After we left the Basilica, I went on to darshan with the Black Madonna. I was able to enter a back way with fewer stairs, hold her hand a few moments and look into her eyes. I thanked her for allowing me to be an instrument for her love, asked her to continue to help me to be a clear channel and to live with an open heart.  Her energy was very powerful.

Back to DomInácio: First I just felt bathed in love and compassion. Finally, the thoughts came. These were picked up asthoughtsnot aswords,so although I am offering them as quotes, they are more the thoughts that I heard (and what I remember), put in to my own words like conscious channeling.

You ask support to be an ever-clearer medium. We respect and appreciate the mediumship you offer. You are an increasingly clear instrument. There is a further service that is more important, for others can channel, but you have the increasing ability to manifest what you learn. I ask you to model the remembering of wholeness, using the many tools you have practiced and inviting the wholeness to express. What blocks that fullest manifestation?

Here I had images of old karma, of old ideas of limits; “this is as much as I can do…I’ve done everything I can…” But I know this is a cop-out. One can always go deeper, release more, purify further. What blocks it?

I am urged to ask for and accept the loving support offered from Aaron, the mother, Fathers John and Kindness and all the other entities as I did years ago in the “council” asking help. I am asked to meditate for longer times and go deeper, then to manifest it. I wrote “Cosmic Healing.’ It is time to believe fully in the possibilities of healing and invite that manifestation, to release all blockage.  Know it can be done, not think ‘maybe.’ Why do I still hold to limiting beliefs?

Oct 23 now on a plane heading to Seattle.It is freezing in the plane; maybe 40 degrees and getting colder now, half hour after take off.Maybe the heat is malfunctioning. The flight attendant just came through with blankets but they are thin and don’t do much.

These 9 days since my return I had a computer failure (now mac OS and microsoft office in battle) so no chance to write. I lost a lot of what would have been journaling and meditation time, and also lost a lot of material/ documents/ mail.  I gained lots of practice with frustration! Back to the journal.

I usually process by writing; now I have had to process without the words or dialogues with spirit which have become a stable way of working. I have felt Father John and DomInácio, but less in words than energy. Father John has offered more guidance when I did my Feldenkrais and PT though, pointing out how to hold the body in more balanced ways and release unskillful habits of movement. Sister Love has also been here, often, to guide and help.  A primary example of unskillful habits of movement is while walking, using the buttock muscles held tight, to support the body, rather than broadening the pelvis and lengthening the lower back for support. Moving this way there’s much less back pain and less knee pain too, and more stability, but those back muscles are not strong enough to do this for any length of time. PT and Dale have both given me some exercises to lengthen (Dale) and strengthen (PT) the muscles.

The last few days, I’ve been hearing spirit more. The past few mornings, lying down with crystals on the chakras (my home version of a crystal bath) with the Current, spirit has been supporting my understanding of theexperience of wholeness. I feel that high energy around me throughout the day, and when I walk, if there is pain, it is much easier to shift back into the painless (simultaneity of pain and painless), to just gently move the body out of the unskillful posture and into a more wholesome one and keep going, without the subtle stories of “I can’t”, “why me”, or other negative thought.

It feels like 2 things have happened. There has been a release of some long-term small darkness, that release supported both by spirit and by my intentions, and there has been a deeper opening to true possibilities and my intention to “climb the rest of the way up the mountain” and strong support to do it. It’s hard to explain; I’m just in a very different place. I know DomInácio and the Mother are helping, Jeshua and Aaron and many more. My whole energy field feels lighter and more joyful. I frequently picture myself walking with ease, hearing, seeing,; not as a grasping energy but just knowing it and moving toward it. “If it were not possible…” They would not ask me to do the impossible. All things are possible. There is a phrase, “with Christ all things are possible.” This doesn’t mean Jeshua will do it for me, but the knowing of and trust of the ultimate truth of inner Christ is what makes it possible.

This morning as I meditated with the Current, Dr. Augusto was working on me energetically when DomInácio came. Together they asked me to review with them everything with which I asked help, not just the top 3 things but everything. We started at the top of the head and moved down: improved memory, eyes; hearing; sinus; shoulders; lumbar spine areas with stenosis; bulging discs; digestion and abdominal muscles; knees; blood circulation in legs; diabetes; blood pressure; thyroid!!! He moved through slowly, asking me to truly envision each part functioning well; know that capacity, and with joy. Feel it. Offer gratitude to that body part for it’s ability to restore and renew itself. KNOW it! We took over an hour going through the body in this way, He asked me if I was committed to to this shift into wholeness, and with their support, and with this healing consecrated to the highest good of all beings, not just for the self, as we had discussed at Montserrat. I said yes. Did I now know it was possible. YES! Am I ready to release the obstacles, to “climb higher.” Yes.

Here’s what he asks, not in return for his help which is offered freely, but to takes steps to consciously support my healing for myself:that I journal regularly for my own benefit and so the changes and learning are documented for others; that I meditate daily for a longer period; that I set aside one full day a week starting November 1 after the weeklong retreat I will lead, when they can do intervention and I can rest for 24 hours after.

There are no doubts now. Just yes, yes, and again, yes.

December 27.

Two months, no writing, but lots of practice! I promised this in October”that I journal regularly for my own benefit and so the changes and learning are documented for others;”I ask forgivingness and plan to start this week. I have done more meditation, but not enough. I have set aside the one day a week and felt spirit work deeply with me, often slept much of the day afterward.  Four weeks now until I leave. I will not start any counseling with new people, only meet with each of my group about their intentions; I will focus on healing.

The biggest change has been the smartscoot. I hesitated a lot over buying this; it was over $2000, $2500 with the spare battery. It was a great investment. I see from here how I was falling into an ever-narrowing dark place. I never went out except to teach and to medical appointments or gym. I thought I had equanimity about the body conditions but see it was more resignation, closed and contracted.

The body changes have been ten steps forward, 9 ½ back, such slow progress and so many back-steps it was hard to see the progress. But there is progress, and even more, there is trust. This body can heal, is healing, and I trust the process. It is gradually growing stronger; pain is less frequent and less severe when it comes. Between all the wonderful caregiver support (Kathleen (chiropractic)  Brodie (acupuncture), Dale (Feldenkrais) and Brandon (PT), and the amazing gifts from the many Entities, how can it help but return to wholeness? I see that when I swim daily, and do the PT and Feldenkrais on a regular schedule, there is more strength and less pain. But then a twist of muscle, severe pain, and I’m back 10 steps. More important than this day-to-day progression (or lack of) is the attitude, that is really grounded in the joy of using the smart scoot, and getting out, no longer holding the self image of this body as crippled but as whole with temporary distortions.

Jan 2, 2016:  So much that’s not written in 2015…I’ll start where I am.

The shift from “broken and struggling hard to limit the damage” to “whole but with temporary distortion” is the major one.  It’s an emotional/ psychological/ mental shift, but more important, it’s a shift at the cellular level. The cells are beginning to know and trust the wholeness.

On the one hand, the medical “experts” here, the spine specialist, the orthopedic specialist with knowledge of knees, all say I need back surgery and knee replacement surgery.   On the other hand, knowing the ever-perfect!

Jan. 12, two weeks until I leave for the Casa. This week, a big slide back after some injury doing PT exercises; lots of pain. I almost cannot walk at all. It will heal! The scooter continues to be a joy. I am giving DomInácioone day a week.

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Feb 19, 2016:

On Wednesday I had my fourth surgery of this trip, one a week. Most years I have one, or at most 2 operations, so this has been different. The first one, I was sent to surgery by the Entity after going through the line. The other three: 1) all wheelchairs sent to surgery (I was on my scooter); 2) the Entity saw me in the main hall, pointed to me and said “operation now;” 3) entire revision line sent to surgery. But I knew I needed it so did not opt out. I’m very grateful for what they are doing,

I’m going to start with this week while it’s fresh in my mind and work backwards as much as I can remember, but this story builds on the past weeks so I may need to write, then cut and paste reversing the order. Surgery itself was short.  I came back here, took a quick shower and got in bed about 3PM. I fell right to sleep until someone woke me bringing dinner. After dinner, I was in some pain, not severe, just aching lower back and sharp pain around the spider bite area that felt like stitches (again; this has occurred with each surgery). I asked for help and was advised to breath gently into the areas of pain. Eventually I fell asleep.  I awoke to use the bathroom about 2 and the legs felt numb and like they would collapse if I tried to stand, just as happened after the second surgery.  I want to be clear that this was happening often back at home, and this is only the second time while here. This is why I was using a walker at home; I never knew if I would literally collapse without something to hold, due to knee collapsing or the spine losing sensation. This loss of sensation and seeming temporary paralysis first happened three years ago right after the spider bite. My picture was brought to the Casa, and the Entity told Heather to tell me he would come that night and help. He did so; the problem stopped completely until this past year. It was at that time in 2013 that my doctor did the first MRI that showed the stenosis.

This time I lay on my bed until the sensation returned, used the bathroom. Again the Entity said “work in progress’ and sent me back to bed immediately. Breathing again. I slept for about 2 hours, then awakened with some pain and coughing.

I have remembered the wave accident many times but not to re-experienced it, the pain, shock and trauma as it was in that moment, the painful side of the near-death experience. Remembering is a step removed, perhaps a kind choice, but I realized that if the body cells are going to fully release the trauma and resume their wholeness, there has to be a willingness to go back into the experience, not to hold it a step away. That early morning, I got closer to the second half of the experience; the second impact, lower back hitting the ocean floor with great force; legs losing all sensation and ability to move. My face had hit first and the ribs were also broken as the surfboard broke into my rib/ sternum area, (first wave) and I was moving in and out of consciousness. This second stage of back impact is where the near-death experience came in, when my legs would no longer work so I was helpless in the strong current.

I can’t invite the body to release the trauma unless I allow that full experience, but there was still a small area of resistance. I felt Aaron and some of the Casa Entities with me, as indeed they were with me that day, holding me with their love. It allowed me to go fully into the second (back) impact experience and breath love to the damaged cells, to cease separating my consciousness from these damaged body parts.  It was still hard; I literally shook with the effort.  I cried. But in the end it felt like much was released and I slept soundly for several hours.

After breakfast, back to bed and it resumed, this time coming to the first part of the experience, the face impact, the shock and pain, the feeling of shutting myself off from the face, disconnecting, which I suppose was part of the survival mechanism.  Moving in and out of consciousness, trying to reach the surface, intense pain…

Then I returned to the near death experience and the frightening side of it that preceded the beautiful parts of it.

Last night, lying in bed, …

Feb 25: I never got back to this and forget what I was planning to write. I think it will come back; but another week; another surgery, and I want to write this one before I forget.

After lunch and before the surgery, I was invited to come into Joao’s (office/ private area) to give him the group casa donation directly. Everything is freely offered here.  (except we do pay for the pousada; private room with bath and 3 good meals about $30 US / day this year because of the good exchange rate and due to my group rate which is much lower than the individual rate because I guarantee them a large group. I’m responsible for the number of rooms I reserve so can lose money if people cancel or don’t register. So I do take that risk. I give 10% of the fee people pay me as a casa donation, unless people opt out (which they may do if they choose). So here I was with $2100 Casa donation. In past years I have simply given it to the Casa financial head.  This year I was told he has retired and I may give it directly to Joao.

Joao’s son Carlos (who doesn’t speak English), another man,  Antoine,  who speaks English well though perhaps not perfectly, as translator, Terri to sign for me, and I went in. L shaped room, front hall just an entry with some straight chairs; inside a lounge chair on which Joao reclined semi-seated, tired from the morning I assume, and a blue semi-circular shaped sofa.  Plain room; not much other ornamentation, though I did not look closely.

Communication was a little awkward as everything had to pass through the translator to Joao, then back from Joao to translator to Terri to me, so I was not really able to look at Joao and also look at Terri to get what was said. When we entered he smiled and said,  “I have known you for many years.” After I gave him the money, and he looked at it and said thank you and that he will use it in Sao Paolo (in the soup kitchen he created there?) and gave it to Carlos to handle however. I thanked him and said I came a month ago in a lot of pain and barely able to walk. I had walked in and was standing (straight!). So I said there is a great improvement and I am so grateful for all you and the Entities do for me and everyone. He said with a smile; you are a Daughter of the Casa; we are working to help you and you will heal (like, why a surprise? You know as a Daughter of the Casa that this is just what we do here; to be expected; but said with a big smile). I thanked him and mentioned with a smile that when I first came 14 years ago, Dr. Augusto said “you will hear.” I know I will hear but am still waiting for that! He laughed and said; “we are helping you in every way” or something like that (this was like ‘whispering down the lane’. What he said may not be what I got in the end.) Finally, frustrated with the limits of language, I just looked deep into his eyes and we held that for maybe 30 seconds, a very deep energetic exchange with smiles.   Apparently he then said,  “I like you very much.” He was clearly tired and in pain so we said goodbye and left.

This surgery seemed the least physical of the five, and unlike the others, I did not sleep soundly for 20+ hours!  (I slept about 15 hours of the 24 following surgery, with periods of meditation and just being awake.) Two non-physical or quasi-physical things to share. Somewhere during the night, I came half awake with the image of the day, of looking deep in Joao’s eyes. Then I was looking into his eyes. Dream, over-active imagination or real? It felt alive, not a memory. I have no sense of the length of time, but there was deep communication on the etheric plane, much easier with thought than in human bodies with words. Both shared about healing of karma, his work and the work I’m doing with remembering wholeness; the importance of kindness and self-honesty. He seemed to ask Aaron to say something about karma and it seems like I channeled Aaron in my sleep or semi-sleep, as I don’t know what Aaron replied but about karma. Looking at the clock later, about 45 minutes passed.  It was very powerful. It’s private so this entry will suffice. Then I fell back to sleep.

At another time during the night I got up to use the bathroom; when I returned to bed, some worried thoughts came up about the trip home. It was originally Delta from Brasilia to Orlando, then Orlando to Detroit. Delta cancelled the first flight (they no longer have a presence in Brasilia)  and rebooked me on TAM  from Brasilia to Sao Paolo, then Delta  from Sao Paolo to Detroit. There’s only 90 minutes between flights and i have to get from TAM to Delta with  my luggage and pass through immigration. Coming, my scooter came with me and not as checked baggage, stowed at the gate and then returned for each flight. But I needed it then, with 5 hours between flights.  Now, I don’t need it. Do I trust TAM to check it and get it through safely? Worrying! Ask Hal to check  that it is insured!

Suddenly I was surrounded by spirits, embraced in very loving energy. Several tried to talk at once with different things to say; I requested one at a time and Aaron took over as speaker and facilitator. First, feel how ‘worrying’ impacts the body. Feel the subtle contractions, in back, in shoulders, in belly. Aaron reminded me of the practice I’ve been doing of bringing light into the spinal stenosis areas, and to observe how the contractions – even subtle ones – block that light.   Some time (20 minutes)  spent doing; opening and relaxing until light moved through freely. See it as an habitual pattern. I did notcause the stenosis with this pattern. I magnify it though, instead of releasing it.

Then Aaron began to talk more, nothing I have not already heard but old habits die hard! When I visualize something going wrong I am planting the seed for that occurrence and giving it energy. See it all flowing smoothly. Feel it! Offer gratitude for this smooth flow of events. Why would I need or want anything different?

“Trust God and tie your camel” Make sure I have adequate insurance so it is covered if it is lost or damaged., Then let go. It probably will come though fine but if not, then no problem. It will be replaced.

Feb 27. I leave today for home!

This morning I awakened feeling much joy and ease, having slept soundly and awakened free of pain. Gratitude! Spirit reminded me to open the pelvis and shoulders, not to contract anywhere. This bringing of awareness to any contraction, opening it (rather, going to where the contraction is not, resting there, and allowing/ inviting release of the mundane contraction), and drawing in light once space has opened has become the ongoing practice.  I was instructed to move into meditation with luminosity as primary object, and once stable there, to move ever deeper into the source of that light; that Brilliant Heart of all Light and Love. I can’t go fully into it but at least as close as possible. Now breath that light into every cell of the body. Let it permeate everything. I did so for about ½ hour. Such joy to rest in and absorb that Light. I am that!

March 2, 2016:

Home 2 days ago. The trip was LONG, because of my cancelled Delta-Orlando flight and the need to fly TAM to Sao Paolo, adding 2 hours flying south and the same 2 hours back north, an 11 ½ hr flight Sao Paolo to Detroit.  I had to collect bags from TAM in Sao Paolo and recheck at Delta counter with only an hour between flights (the TAM flight was late). Delta Sao Paolo had given my seat away! They finally figured it out and, boarding pass in hand, I reached the gate flying on my scooter as they were about to close it, flight attendant outside paging me and waving me on! But, I’m home. These were all minor complications! 11 ½ hours flying at once is too long for me though. Lots of body pain that I have not had for weeks, upon return. It’s gradually releasing, except for knee pain.

So what has happened in five weeks? It’s hard to say. A week ago inAbadiânia I was walking very well. Now my knees are quite painful and my back is more bent. Is it the result of the long and painful flight? I guess time will tell. The muscles are weak but free of pain. The terrible muscle cramps and back spasms have not shown up for over a month, even with movements that were causing them before.  I do have a much better sense of the wholeness of the body. The ongoing practice is two-fold: deep awareness of the ever-present openness of the spine (and pelvis, shoulders, etc), and awareness of any subtle move to close energy to these parts of the body; Staying connected to the core of radiance (divine or paramatman light) and consciously inviting it everywhere in body, emotions, etc; watching for any place where I close off and moving attention back to the fact that the Light IS! It is the living practice, 24-7, of the simultaneity of relative and ultimate. When I’m connected to that Source, I know it! I feel it like an energy moving through me and filling me.

March 3:

This morning was the first morning in 5+ weeks to awakenpost revision, (i.e., no stitches anywhere in the body from casa surgery). I had been waiting for this as now I may begin some exercise. (I have been swimming, but just that). When I got up, there was mild aching in the lower back, but no stenosis pain. I used the bathroom and returned to bed, and began very gentle movement with spirit’s guidance (Aaron and Sister Love). First, just resting in the current for 10 minutes, body fully relaxed. Then, (from Feldenkrais) bend one knee, foot flat; very gently lift that hip a small amount and reach that arm down toward knee, pushing very lightly with the foot, head moving with the arm. Hold a few seconds and then relax. Repeated about 10 times, slowly. Same move on other side. If any tension in muscles, pause, stretch out the leg and rest before resuming the movement. Breathe deep into the pelvis. That only happened once.

Next, a series of pelvic floor exercises (feldenkrais again; pelvic clock). Rest.

Both feet flat, knees bent; tuck up the pelvis, stretching the lower back, while keeping pelvis open. With back stretched in this way, do the pelvic clock again.

Rest completely. There were some tiny quivers of tension in the muscles. Open body; breath in Light, through the spine and into the stenosis area. I spent about 10 minutes just filling that spinal area with light, expanding the place where the nerves emerge pinched in any way, feeling it all open and relax.

Then repeat the above, both feet flat… Full rest again and drawing in spotlight, opening the space.

The whole process above was a little over an hour.  Now, no pain at all. They say I may use the nu-step at the gym today, maybe 10 minutes, very slow and mindful, low leg pressure, along with swimming.

March 4: I never got to the gym yesterday; it was a full day until 5PM and by then, snowing hard so it didn’t choose to drive. I sat by the fire and read a good book, watching the beautiful snowflakes blowing out the window. This morning I have an appointment at UM hospital, made months ago, with a Dr. Daniel Orringer, neurosurgeon and spine specialist. At this point, the pain is gone after the 5 Casa surgeries. We’ll see what he says.

Back from the appointment. He is a nice man and a big Davy fan! His first words to me, holding my file, were, “Do you know Davy Rothbart?” (one of my three sons; I’m Barbara Brodsky Rothbart) He tested arm and leg muscles, looked at my back. After looking at the MRI resultsbefore he saw me, he had felt I was a candidate for the surgery; but after muscle testing and looking at my back, talking to me and seeing me free of pain, he thinks they did what was needed in Brazil. He asked many questions (only some of which I could answer) about the Casa. What did they do??? What is the surgery procedure there? There’s no incision? I described as much as possible and he did really listen. He suggested I start PT and we wait and see what happens. Right now, he repeated that it looks like the work has been done.

If I did need surgery, it is a long incision, maybe 10 inches. I’d be in the hospital about 4 days, then another 2 weeks for the incision to heal. I would be able to lie on my back, even with the stitches. PT after a month. He has done many of these operations and feels it would be successful if needed. If pain resumes, and I see him in a month, (early April) we could do it in early May.

I told him I hoped to never see him again except at a Davy RothbartFound Show. He laughed and agreed.

March 5: Knees continue weak though, and still collapsing on occasion. I’ll start PT this week, twice a week. This morning was my committed weekly session with DomInácio. Back to bed with my crystals, my home-made crystal bed with one carefully selected (by the entities) crystal on each chakra. During the session, once the energy was open, he asked me to feel energy and light moving down to the knees and feet, which have poor circulation. I felt something pressing the bottoms of both feet, inviting opening. Visualize this new skeleton with perfect circulation, perfect knees. See myself dancing and running! After an hour of intense energy, I slept for several hours

Now I want to go back to the first 4 surgeries, a summary. I have no notes and no clear memory of the order of events for the most part. Order doesn’t matter.

After sleeping the afternoon and evening of the first or second surgery, very early the next morning (2 AM) there was some communication. Resting in bed, I felt spirit’s presence and was asked to relax as fully as possible. After a few minutes I felt as if I could not move, like the body was paralyzed. Aaron asked me to move just one finger to see that I could move if necessary. Then be still. Give them the body! I was told that they were replacing my skeleton! The body needed to remain motionless. I did, and am uncertain whether what followed was in a state awake or asleep.

Later it was explained that they were replacing the etheric skeleton. Why? The image I was given was of going to a museum to copy a painting by a famous master. I would stand right in front of it and copy it precisely. Going to the ever-perfect and mirroring what is there is similar. This is like the akashic field practice. But what if there are many people copying that painting, and people copying the copyists, and the closest I can get is 5 rows back? Now, as I invite this body to replicate the ever-perfect body, I can’t really access that blueprint. Through this and many lifetimes of damage to the physical, and some of that distortion mirrored back to the ever–perfect, it just is not so accessible. What is needed, what they were providing, is a new and very accessible master image, so to speak, a new “ever-perfect” on which to base the akashic field practice.

Gradually the reality of the new body grew into my awareness over about 2 hours.  Then I came more awake, and was invited to consider this new skeleton a section at a time. To “praise” it with gratitude, and to bring each part of the mundane body into contact with the etheric blueprint. The whole process was about 4 hours. Eventually I fell into a sound sleep.

Another week; another surgery. I always sleep the first 16 to 18 hours or so, and then some more conscious inquiry begins. I had been looking at what seems like a heavy blackness through the spine, and the need to bring in more light. I asked, what is the source of that blackness? I began to see a lifetime I’ve worked with a lot; the Tibetan monk, an abbot of a monastery perched on a hill above the village, and which had a flat open courtyard at the front. Invaders were coming into the land;  the village head asked if the monks would fight. The abbot said not with weapons but in his own way.

He understood profound energy and light practices (dating back to Lumeria) and knew how to energetically surround a distortion in the mundane realm and prevent it from spreading. (I think of Obi-wan Kenobi waving his arm and closing the energy field so he could sneak by the enemy) He had taught his monks these non-dual practices. I have learned a lot from him about such practice. They are a foundation for the akashic field practices and those of simultaneity of relative and ultimate. I’m still a beginner though, in this Barbara consciousness. When the invaders arrived, the monks went onto the flat plateau in front of the monastery and began to play their big horns and dance. The invaders shot arrows and hit the monks. Most of the men were able to keep dancing at least for a while. The one who I was had numerous mortal wounds but kept dancing until the invaders decided he was a demon and they fled. At that point he simply dropped dead.

I had never considered the energetic and emotional toll of this effort. What he lacked was the understanding to make space in his heart for any pain, any fear, even for the damage to the tissue; so he locked that away too and it became imbedded in the cells, way back then. That trauma is still there.  It needed to be freed.

I spent most of the day and into the next working with this process, and with gratitude for the profound assistance. It seemed I just spent hour after hour removing arrows from the spine (really, just seeing deeply into their nature, going to the place they were not, and inviting release) and allowing in light (the light that has always been there but that I couldn’t access because of the illusion of the arrow and all the implications of it), then offering thanks for this light, and then again…. Eventually it all felt clear. The arrows and the dark areas they marked were both physical/ cellular, and emotional. It points out to me the extreme importance to stay open to negative emotions without buying into their stories. It is that self-identification that invites the karma to stick. Then I spent many hours just inviting Light to pour through these wounds and through all the karmic wounds that followed the original.  Forgiveness, grounded in compassion for self and all beings, brings healing.

Again, another week, another surgery. What still blocked the fullest light from reaching the spine? Once again, many hours of sleep and then some more conscious inquiry. As I lay in bed, in and out of sleep/ meditation, I was led back into the wave accident. I’ve reflected on this experience many times, remembered it, worked consciously with the body and emotions, inviting forgiveness and with gratitude for my survival after the near-death aspect of it. I have never deeply re-experienced the trauma. I find we do not always need to re-experience trauma; sometimes it’s too painful and going into the fullest experience is cruel. I still don’t understand when it becomes best to do so. I think the review is a natural process; if nothing blocks it, what needs to come up will do so.

The second part of the experience came to me first, not surprising as I was working with the back. In the whole experience; first my face hit the bottom, knocking me mostly unconscious, breaking the orbital bone around the right eye, and at the same time, the surfboard (one of those small body boards) broke in half into my ribs and sternum, breaking bones there. The second wave caught me backwards as I strived to reach the surface, pushing me back down on my back and tailbone. This is the part I reviewed first after this surgery. I was in and out of consciousness from the face impact, in much pain with broken ribs, but still using my legs to kick. Then I was tossed again and landed so hard on my lower back that I lost all sensation below the waist, could not move my legs at all, but felt completely paralyzed. It’s similar to the feeling of occasional paralysis of the legs I have had the past year. I was still moving into and out of consciousness but now I could neither swim my arms because of rib pain nor kick my feet. This is when I began to drown for real, and went into the near-death experience. That near-death experience was beautiful and did in real ways draw my attention completely from the trauma that precipitated it.

Most of my friends know what came next. Within that beautiful tunnel of Light I was fully embraced with love. The further in I went, the brighter the light and the stronger the pull. It was home! I was told I could choose, to go on or come back to this present life. There was no dishonor to go this way. I have worked hard in this lifetime; but there is more to do and I may choose to return to life. They could not guarantee what kind of body I would have if I returned to it; maybe paraplegic. Maybe great pain. I chose to return, not out of fear but of love. My work here was not finished. As soon as I made that decision, I felt energy lift me to the surface, and sufficient support to shout for help. A swimmer heard me, saw my bleeding face; people came; the unconscious body was pulled to shore.

In meditation that morning, I was led to see how the body shut down with this trauma, closing out energy not just because of the injury but the very normal (I suppose) contraction, drawing in to survival mode and not allowing any energy into the spine, just to heart and brain, breathing and heartbeat.  This is what the monk had needed to do to survive long enough to have the enemy leave; he encapsulated the injuries and gave energy only to heart and brain. I saw how, the past year when there was the severe muscle and nerve pain, I was withdrawing or at least blocking energy as an automatic response.

Revisiting the trauma, I spent some time crying, just offering love to this human experiencing such trauma. Then the entities began to coach me on how to open the energy field; how to bring divine light and energy into the back. After an hour or so of practice, I fell into a sound sleep.

After a while I awakened and we moved on, to the first part of the experience. This was even more traumatic because of the shock of the impact and severity of injuries, with no immediate travel into Light to balance it. I was happily playing in the waves, I was lifted, tossed, smacked into the bottom, I was drowning. As with the monk, my training seems to be important in some ways but foolish in others. There was mindfulness, compassion for the human, intention to reach the surface, not to fully black out. Any fear or contraction was completely put aside; I could not survive and open to that. But I never really came back to it and allowed Light in. It is almost what I did with my sudden deafness years earlier; “just note it and move on. Don’t linger there”. For the trauma of the deafness, I had to open to it to allow healing (No Eye, Ear, Nose…” in Susan Moon’s anthology “Being Bodies”)

I saw that I had never done that with the wave. Now it was time. More tears, opening the heart, inviting in Light. There is no one in control; just the outflow of conditions. Loving-kindness and compassion are two of these conditions, when I am able to stay connected to them.

After this surgery, my ongoing practice  has been just to remain connected to the Light. They say we teach what we need to learn. “Remembering Wholeness.” Whatever blocks the opening to Light, let it go. The Light and love are there. They are the source of all healing; other conditions are needed too, but without that Love and Light, the other conditions are insufficient.

I finally begin to get just an inkling of what healing is about.

The fifth and final surgery; I slept far less, maybe 14 hours of the next 24. I did more meditation; Spirit spoke with me about teaching and mediumship. Some very unstructured planning for future retreats and workshops. It was suggested that I have the capacity to hold both The mother and Jeshua or Father John in the body at the same time, both really incorporated but only one speaking or moving at a time. But in this way they don’t have to hand the body one to the other but can just flow back and forth; this would be much easier on my energy I am told, and also make them more readily available to each, according to need. We’ll do this in the next Remembering Wholeness session. Now I find that the March session wasn’t correctly scheduled and we don’t have the room reserved, so the first RW for spring will be in April. I don’t know what this is about but it will be fine.

Now, afternoon of March 6; some mild beginning twinges of cramping in the inner right thigh today. Each time I felt it, I lay down, relaxed completely, opened the pelvis and body, drew in light. Each time it has resolved completely and quickly. I see fear arise, “No! no back surgery”. Release the fear. All is well and all will be well.

March 11: I have had a week of physical therapy; all goes well.

This is probably the end of the 2016 Casa journal. I’ll add to it as private journal. DomInácio asked me to keep a journal to share with others, so I may post more too, if relevant.

For those who have inquired, my next Casa trip is Feb 12 through 25, 2017, with an extended third week to March 4. I arrive Feb 6 to set things up and have my own first week. A few very experienced Casa people who want a 4-week stay may come with me Feb 6 but I won’t be much available as a guide until Feb. 13. At this point, I will also leave March 4, staying just 4 weeks.

Working with negative catalyst with loving kindness

May 3, 2016 Tuesday Class
Working with negative catalyst with loving kindness

Aaron: My blessings and love to you all. I am Aaron. We have one more class after tonight, but we’re coming to the close of this year, Vipassana and Mediumship. Our intention for the year was the deepening of the vipassana practice, and using that practice as a ground for whatever forms of mediumship were most appropriate to each: connecting with your spirit guides, your gardens, your cooking; connecting with your art work, your music, your dance, your painting; connecting with the light essence of yourself, so you could thereby connect with the light essence of everything. That connection will reveal itself in the soup, in the violin music, in the guidance from spirit.

We could teach just vipassana practice, and certainly that in itself would have great merit and value. We could teach just connecting with spirit, without the grounding of the vipassana practice, but I don’t think you could connect without that base.

So what I’d especially like to hear from you tonight is twofold. How is your vipassana practice touching your daily life and the issues of your daily lives? And second, to what degree are you able to use the ground of that practice and the coming into the open heart, that light connection, to what degree are you able to use that to reach out and connect out into the world, to the highest in everything? To your guidance, to your painting, to your soup, your garden, relationships, whatever. What works for you? Share it with others. What are the stumbling blocks? Share that, and perhaps others and Barbara have some suggestions.

I want to remind you that we are not doing this practice as “self improvement” because there is nothing to improve on the ultimate level. You are radiant, you are beautiful. We are doing the practice to help you remember and bring forth all that you are.

Barbara got an email this morning from a student in another place. She said when she meditates, she still feels herself pulled into negative thoughts, depression, anger, and so forth, and she feels like something spirit-plane is grabbing at her. But she’s trying not to respond. If she understands the instructions correctly, the work is not to get into a dialogue with it.

So I see that we have not really explained this clearly. To get into a dialogue with it is to listen to it, get caught by it, debate with it. That’s very different than simply saying, “No. I am a being of light and I am not going to be caught up in your negativity.” That’s not a dialogue, it’s a statement. So I wanted to make that clear. It’s very important that you find the courage and light in yourself to make such statements.

(added when reviewing the transcript; dictated by Aaron): The way we say no is also important. There may be fear in the presence of this psychic intruder. In your vipassana practice you are learning to experience unpleasant sensations and thoughts and “serve them tea,” not to react to fear with so much aversion; but if aversion does arise, to relate openheartedly to that aversion. Thus, it is not sufficient to say “NO” while contracted into aversion and to ignore the aversion. The very act of opening your heart to yourself and the aversion or fear, will repel the unwanted visitor who thrives on fear and reactivity to it! But; one more “but”: you are not doing this to repel that negative visitor, but because of your deep commitment to love! It is this ongoing commitment to live with loving kindness that becomes the anchor.  (end of addition)

I was going to give a talk tonight, and if we have time after everyone has shared, I still may do that. I wanted to give a talk based on the Wizard of Oz. You’re all Dorothy, wanting to go home. You’re all looking for a heart and a brain and courage. You’re all caught up in the illusion. What works? So we’ll see how our time goes, whether I’ll talk more about that or save it, perhaps for next Wednesday’s Open Aaron talk.

That’s all from me. Let’s open the circle to sharing.

(sharing not transcribed by request)

Aaron: So there is light and joy, and as you know, there is negative energy as well, within you and out there. That which is more of the negatively polarized persuasion wants to promote fear and negativity in the world, contraction. It doesn’t like the lightness of joy. When I say “it,” I don’t want you to think of some demon out there, but of any kind of negativity, your own from your own self, or external to you. There is a fear of opening into too much light Better not to try it, keep myself small, stay safe and less vulnerable. The other fear for the human, what if do open and then I lose it? What if I can’t maintain it?

This relates to what I said earlier from the student who wrote to Barbara. The need not to get into a dialogue with the fear-based, grasping energy, but simply to say, “No, I see you for what you are. At some level you are based in fear.”  There is grasping for safety or release. This is a very different grasping energy than going into a store and very playfully, joyfully saying, “I love those earrings. I’m going to buy a pair, just one pair.” And there’s nothing else you need in the store. It’s not based on need, it’s based on joy.

But when you can feel the subtle contraction of the grasping, as soon as you feel that contracted state wanting to be free of the visitor, have no dialogue with it, no, “I’ll bargain with you. If you go away I’ll do this or that.” Just, “No. I remind myself of my true being. I am light. I do not need to act out of fear. I do not need to be controlled by that which is contracted and fear-based in myself…”

(recording briefly halted by FaceTime request)

If you have connection with your guides, or if you feel my closeness or the Mother’s closeness, Jeshua’s closeness, the Buddha’s closeness, reach out your hand and say, “Help me. Support my remembering, ‘I am a being of light, and I am protected within this light.’ The love that surrounds me holds me in such a loving container. I do not need to be afraid, and I do not need to be reactive to the negative voices. Fear has arisen. Breathing in, I am aware of the fear. Breathing out, I smile to the fear, and I hold the Mother’s hand, Jeshua’s hand, my (Aaron”) hand, not because I need it, I am complete, but I hold it because it helps me feel safer for now.” And we’re happy to do that, to help support you in that way. What we are doing is supporting the whole opening of love on this earth plane through each of you. Supporting each of you in your choice to open to love in this way.


I am not and never will be a doomsayer. People come to me and say, “Is the world going to collapse? Are we all going to blow ourselves up?” You have free will. You can do that, or you can not do that; what do you wish?

But when there are enough of you who are deeply intended to live consciously with love, and to attend to the arising of negative thought in the self, to attend to negative impulse as arisen from conditions, and know that it needs to be attended to; – you can’t just bury it or it gains power, and you can’t act it out; what do you do with it?  – when enough of you are really committed to living in this way, it brings balance to those who are much more negatively polarized.

This upcoming presidential election will be very interesting because the candidate from one party is quite negative. And I think so many people are being pulled to him, a surprising number, because suddenly this voice of negativity, that’s been in the world forever, has a new leader. Instead of feeling, “I can’t express my hatred, my prejudices; my fear” people feel empowered to express their hatred because there’s somebody coming forth who is publicly expressing hatred. Try to trust that this is happening not to destroy the light but in reaction to the light, and the increasing power of the light. Because there is so much more light in the world today, that which is negatively polarized is bonding together and trying to strike back.

Quoting the Buddha: hatred never resolved hatred. Only love resolves hatred.

You can’t go to this candidate and try to resolve his hatred face to face. But each time you respond kindly and with love to any small negativity in your world, to whatever it may be— in yourself, in others, wherever— each time you do that, you bring that energy forth more and more fully and make it more available in the world.

Do you know the story of the Hundredth Monkey? Monkeys would grab their food and put it in their mouths and eat it. One monkey in this tribe in an isolated place saw that his food was sandy. And he was by a stream, so he rinsed his food off in the stream. “Mmm, not sandy!” Another monkey looked at him, watched him do this. Saw that it was a good idea. Then there were 10 monkeys washing their food. Then the whole tribe was washing their food.

The next monkey 100 miles away did not have to see it. Energetically the idea was spread was and blossomed forth, so that the idea was picked up here, and then there, and then there, until worldwide, when their food was sandy, monkeys were washing it.

The idea of living with love is the same. When we live with this kind of love, it changes everything. It changes us and those around us, but it also energetically changes everything in the whole world. So this is why the sangha is important.

In response to sharing about life changes causing her to feel lost, where to go, what to do:

Aaron: What if I gave you a packet of seeds in a plain white envelope, and I simply said to you, “These are good seeds. They will either bring good food or beautiful flowers or some of each. Maybe one variety only, maybe 100 different seeds. Here, plant them.” Can you see the part of you that says, “Well, I want to know what I’m planting. Should I plant this bigger seed here or over there? What will happen? How do I control it? Will it be a wild garden? How do I tame it?”

They are good seeds. Just put them in the ground and give them love. If the pumpkin vine threatens to overcome the violets, dig out the violets and move them. It’s okay. Ask the violets if they’d like to be moved, rather than imposing your will on the violets.

Spontaneously present in each moment with things as they are, and then asking, not as an ego, but co-creating, what needs attention here? Watch the part of you that wants to control, the part of you that is based in and says, “No!” You’re so habituated, all of you, to being the one who’s controlling. You did not come into incarnation to control but to co-create. And it’s such a hard thing to learn. Then you swing to the opposite, saying, “If I can’t control then I surrender. I have no participation.” Co-create. That means participate. That means hearing everything, from the other person to the smallest seed, and asking, what are your needs? Then freely offer your own needs to the mix.

Some of you find yourselves overwhelmed. “There’s so much to do, so many things to listen to. I can’t deal with it.” Well then limit it a little bit. Don’t try to do so much. Because you don’t want to fall into a pattern of being so busy that you can’t co-create. That negates your whole choice of coming into the incarnation. And you do have time.  What takes the time is all the ego voices saying, “Oh no, I should do this. I should do that,” that gets you so busy and wrought up. If you just do it, it’s easy. But it does take time and love and attention to release some of those strong  ego voices, the voices that have controlled you for such a long time. The old patterns.

That wonderful poem from Hafiz— the line about being dragged behind a farting camel.  (quotes poem) I will replace it in the transcript.  Correct version:

Cast all your Votes for Dancing    Hafiz

I know the voice of depression  Still calls to you.

I know those habits that can ruin your life   Still send their invitations.

But you are with the Friend now  And look so much stronger.

You can stay that way  And even bloom!

Keep squeezing drops of the Sun From your prayers and work and music

And from your companions’ beautiful laughter.

Keep squeezing drops of the Sun  From the sacred hands and glance of your Beloved

And, my dear, From the most insignificant movements of your own holy body.

Learn to recognize the counterfeit coins That may buy you a moment of pleasure,

But then drag you for days Like a broken man  Behind a farting camel.

You are with the Friend now. Learn what actions of yours delight Him,

And what actions of yours bring freedom and Love.

Whenever you say God’s name, dear pilgrim, My ears wish my head was missing

So they could finally kiss each other And applaud all your nourishing wisdom.

O, Keep squeezing drops of the Sun From your prayers and work and music

And from your companions’ beautiful laughter.

And from the most insignificant movements of your own holy body.

Now, sweet one,  Be wise. cast all your votes for Dancing!

You’re all being dragged. Are you ready to stop? And you ARE ready to stop or you wouldn’t be in this class. You are stopping, and that’s beautiful. But each of you has your own camel letting out stink right in front of you, or sometimes sitting on your lap. So, just continuing to pay attention.

But the important thing is co-creating. Always remembering, when you feel yourself contracting, stop and say, “I am trying to push this through. I, ego, is trying to push this through. The higher self chooses to co-create. In what ways can I co-create?”

What blocks co-creation? Fear? The ego thinking, “No, it has to be this way.”? Ah, is that so? Letting go of fear. Or just holding fear and giving it tea. Coming back to the heart. Again, I choose to co-create… And of course there is fear in your choices as well, but you keep losing the undercurrent of love that made these choices. Try to trust it.



We have one more class. I would ask you all to work in a committed way with your vipassana practice, in these two weeks. Take some notes, keep short journal. It doesn’t have to be long, just a few sentences. Are there certain objects that are coming up as predominant for you in meditation and daily life? A lot of contraction, or spacing out, or sadness? Super high energy or low energy?

If so, and for each of you there’s going to be something that’s a repetitive object that’s arising, ask yourself, how do I relate to this object? Is this object something I want to keep in my life? And if not, why is it sticking? In what way am I holding onto it? What if I observe how sticky this particular object is and offer the intention to co-create more space around it? To say no to it, as the person who wrote to Barbara, as we told her. “No, I am a being of light, and I am not going to be pulled into darkness. I speak to you with respect. You may keep your darkness, but you may not draw me into darkness. I am a being of love, and I hold Jeshua’s, the Buddha’s, the Mother’s, Aaron’s, my higher self’s, my guides’, I hold these hands. They are with me and support me.” Like the Buddha with his, “As earth is my witness…” gesture on the evening of his enlightenment, the statement, “As love is my witness,” and whatever personification of love exists for you. “As love is my witness, I will not be pulled into deeper negativity. I do not choose that. I choose spaciousness.” Just try it.

Not 24/7, you’ll overwhelm yourself. But with whatever predominant object keeps arising. Whatever it is that’s really sticky, in these next two weeks: anger, sadness, sleepiness, whatever is pulling at you. “No. I have energy. I have love. I am energy and love. I hold myself open.” But not saying no with fear. Not getting pulled into a dialogue with it. Openhearted.

(sharing, recording ends)